Do You Need To Talk?

Hello BronzeGoddessvillers,

It used to be BronzeGoddessvillians, but that sounded like you were all my minions for evildoing, so I changed it (there’s that squirrel again… I digress).

My story deals a lot with mental issues, anxiety, depression, even suicide (Edward David, although he just did it because he was a coward), postpartum issues, menopause, etc. I’m very happy to see that people connect with one another on these issues, but I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t realize it was so rampant. I, too, have felt like I was in this little bubble and I just had to deal with it.

Seeing all of the posts from the last chapter, I felt like I had to do something about it. I couldn’t just ignore the fact that there were so many of my readers having the same problems that I was. My first impulse was to create some kind of support group. The only problem was that support groups need some kind of platform—like Facebook—and not everybody is on Facebook, not to mention that there is absoposilutelytively NO TIME in my schedule to monitor a group or expand social media to that effect.

But I still couldn’t ignore the issue.

A lot of people comment on my story and not everyone is dealing with mental illness or some kind of issue like that, so unfortunately, not everyone wants to read those comments. However, I know first hand that people need to have someplace where they can talk about this, and you guys seem to feel comfortable talking over here… AND APPARENTLY THERE’S A LOT OF US… SERIOUSLY! 

So, this is our thread.

This thread is specifically for those of us who wish to discuss those issues we are going through and those who are sympathetic to our plight. This way, if someone sees a comment, issue, or question in this thread or along these lines that they don’t want to get involved in, they don’t have to, but those who want to partake in this mini-support-thread can please feel free to do so.

THREE RULES:

NUMBER ONE: This is not just about mental illness. I’ve discovered that my readers have been dealing with chemotherapy, dialysis, horrible divorce, my husband died, my family’s nuts, I want to come out of the closet, fill in the blank. You got something on your chest, let’s talk.

NUMBER TWO: This is not just for women. I know that I have some male readers even though they may not be that verbal all the time. Come on over, kick of your shoes, pull up a seat, and let it go.

NUMBER THREE: This is the most important one…

THIS IS A JUDGMENT-FREE ZONE! If I see anyone saying anything cruel, mean, judgemental, or disparaging to anyone or about any plight in this thread or using this thread to take any kind of cheap shots, I will give you “das boot” faster than you can finish typing your comment. 

Let’s see if we can use this thread to uplift one another, and those who don’t wish to take part, it’s okay. I totally understand. If you felt before like you didn’t have a voice, we want to hear your voice here.

Welcome to the Band-Aid Thread.

~~love and handcuffs

 

165 thoughts on “Do You Need To Talk?

  1. Sherree says:

    How very thoughtful of you! This is so cool to know that there are other people who truly care about the troubled among us.
    Bless you.

  2. seralynsmom says:

    Love this. It’s nice to have places to go to talk out stuff sometimes. I have friends, my husband, but I’m sure I burn them out occasionally. It’s that time of the year again, when the blues hit and everything seems to take a nose dive and I want to do nothing and it takes me going “listen here you, you will get up and do things that need to be done because they need to be done!!” I believe they call it the winter woes? I know there’s other names for it. Seasonal depression is one too. Add this on top of my anxiety and EVERYTHING that can go wrong going wrong and it makes for an Ashley that just wants to cover my head, bury myself in time bed, and not get out until spring. Can’t do that though. So venting.

    Like, the fact that my husband works for a company that treats him like shit and he’s ready to quit but has no fallback in order to be able to and his stress is adding to my stress and I feel guilty all the time because I can’t do anything to help lift the burden. *whispers* and the one thing I could do, I don’t want to. That’s get another job. I mean, right now it’s not logistically possible anyway, but if it were I still wouldn’t want to because I enjoy being able to stay home and not have my kid in aftercare T school all the time, or in a daycare. As much as she drives me bonkers sometimes, I still love spending time with her. So what can I really do except try to be supportive but it’s like nothing helps. He just works for a shitty shitty place with no end in sight right now.

    So there’s my woes. I figured maybe if I shared someone else might be so inclined as well and could see what a relief it is to vent sometimes. 🙂

    • Sherree says:

      Staying home with your child is a sacrifice everyone will appreciate. Not to mention the most difficult job in the world!
      I hope relief comes your way soon but don’t forget that child is what’s important.

      • seralynsmom says:

        She’s always first and foremost for both me and my husband, it’s just been a lot to hit us all at once these last few months so it’s hard not to get anxious.

    • Honestly, most people who have some form of mental illness are also seasonal depressants. It totally has to do with the shorter days and lack of sunlight. I’m a basket case after “fall back” until “spring forward,” you know what I mean?

      • seralynsmom says:

        Yeah. It takes a lot for me just to want to get up in the mornings during these months.

      • MichelleCheri’ says:

        Totally hitting me as we move from fall to winter and the time change. I am always feeling it take an extreme amount of energy to do anything these days and I LOVE the Christmas season so much.

      • Yes! Same here. I used to dread Christmas because of the snow, and then I moved somewhere where it doesn’t snow anymore. But then the days are still shorter. So, I tolerate this season by decorating for the whole season. I decorate Christmas at Christmas, when New Year’s comes, decorate for New Years. When Valentine’s Day comes, I’ll decorate for Valentines Day. And when Valentine’s Day is over, I decorate with flowers and things to welcome spring. So that by the time spring time gets here I’ve done everything I can to combat seasonal depression.

      • Cabtaken says:

        I have to say a huge thanks to you BG! I am the mother that just lost her son, and we did a go fund me to get him a burial. She was very nice to have the readers see our request.
        We just came back from Dallas, TX were he was laid to rest. The service the travel our stay there was all so very nice! And was due to many supporters! And while this part has been finally done. It seems like another door has opened. I am truly a very happy person. However, now I’m just so sad. I cry at the very small things… But to add insult to injury when the family arrived back home to Seattle, I went to get on an airport shuttle can to take us back to our car. I usually sit up front as it is hard for me to get in the back. Well there was another lady that was also very large and older that got into the front. So I of course had to to go to the back. The driver parked a bit away from the curb there was no step to help to get in. So my husband was behind me helping me up in, I went to lift myself in on my left knee and we all heard a crack! My knee gave way and I screamed, I broke my knee and went back on my husband in pain! I was rushed to the hospital. Later I’m in a full leg splint. Dr said that it looks that I ruptured my Patella Tendon! I just had knee replacement in my right knee. I see a surgeon on Wednesday, to have a MRI and see if they will just replace my left.
        Oh but the hits keep coming… I fall going to the bathroom, and bruise the same knee the next morning. Then let’s make this better, my poor husband couldn’t get me off the floor by himself. So we had to call 911 again to get me up! Talk about my fragile state… I am literally a shake from falling apart. I am just so, so tired!

      • @Cabtaken–Hey Darling!!! I just saw that your response went to spam and I had to go in there and get it. When it rains, it pours, huh? Have you been back to the doctor yet? Jesus, too many spills on that leg, my love. TRY to be careful (I suffer from very bad knees, too, I know your pain). I’m glad that the services went as smooth as could be expected under the circumstances. I am praying for you, my friend. I hope everything goes okay. Please keep me posted either here or on Facebook with your progress. I’m going to be SO concerned about you and I’ll check on you over there, too!!

    • sharong1969 says:

      Sometimes just getting it out makes a lot of difference. Staying at home to raise your child instead of letting strangers raise your child is very admirable.

  3. Ginger says:

    Sending everyone positive thoughts and prayers!
    I’m desperately searching for the encyclopedia of how to live with your Senior Parent. What was supposed to be a temporary thing became permanent. I find myself as my mother’s mother in a roll reversal where I often find myself quoting her words of wisdom from the last 40 years back to her.
    Her health has gone from bad to worst. I’m exhausted. I don’t have a life. I get 3 weeks of vacation a year. I’ve exhausted all of it on her this year. Between surgery and doctors appointments. I am beyond grateful that I still have a job.
    When is it my turn to live?

    • Lovesfiftyshades says:

      Ginger, When I read that BG was doing this my first thought was I probably would not have anything to contribute. Then I read your story. I’m sad to say, you are facing a common problem these days. Our parents are living longer and often are not able to care for themselves independently. I see it as a nurse and I’ve lived it with friends and most importantly, I’ve walked the road myself with my and my husband’s parents. I honestly believe it is the most difficult thing adults face. It is so hard to turn the tables and “parent your parent”. All our parents have passed away now and sometimes, I’m ashamed to say, when I hear my friends struggling with their own parent, a small voice in the back of my mind says, thank you Lord I am over that and they are all with you now. All that to say, I don’t believe any parent would want their adult child to sacrifice their own lives to take care of the parent. If you have the means and physical, emotional and mental stamina to do it; go for it. BUT IF YOU DON’T, it’s okay to ask for help. Your close friends, your church family, other relatives and hired assistance are some ways to go. If it is a situation where your mom is too much for you to care for at home, there is no shame in seeking assisted living and/or a skilled nursing facility. My dad actually thrived in a skilled nursing facility when my mom was no longer able to care for him after he had a debilitating stroke. It sounds like you have to work, as did I and it sounds as if you are alone as you walk this road. I hope and pray you have support from family and/or friends. No one has yet written the encyclopedia but there are tons of books out there that discuss the role reversal and caring for/living with senior parents. Sometimes just talking to someone else who is in your same shoes helps. My thoughts are with you as you navigate this winding road. Remember to take care of yourself. Prayers for your journey. ❤

    • Esther Williams says:

      Ginger I use to work in an assisted living community and I also help my husband with his father when he was diagnosed with stage two dementia. He lived with us for a while it was hard with two boys and we both work so I understand your pain. But what I can tell you is ask around your community to see if she might qualify for home health assistance. But I do know that God will not put no more on you then what you can bear. I will keep you in my prayers.

      • Ginger says:

        Amen! So true. That and our recent move is what is giving me strength! We are changing insurance and looking into that as well. She will be 79 and can’t see why her body won’t function for her like it did 20 years ago.

    • Sherree says:

      Ginger, My thoughts and prayers are with you too. May God bless you.

    • I’m not taking care of an elderly parent, but I know of many who are. You are somehow going to have to find some time for yourself or you are going to burn ALL THE WAY OUT. Do you have any kind of support system that can come over and give you a break for a day? I know it sounds impossible, but it is SO necessary.

      • Ginger says:

        Lynn I can’t thank you enough for this thread. In my mind, I was the only one with this problem and no one could relate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this forum!

      • You’re so welcome, my dear. I’m so, so happy that people are using it to voice concerns and get support. I was concerned that no one would want to participate. It really does my heart a lot of good. ❤

    • Dee says:

      Ginger, check with a local home health agency to see if your parent qualifies for services, if so, then the primary care doctor can order it and get in touch with a home health agency that you approve. Also if your parent is on Medicaid check with the social security office to see if they have a waiver program. This is a service that sends aid to help with daily living skills such as giving baths etc. They even do respite to give you some relief and time to yourself. Social services at any hospital will be able to give you a list of resources. God Bless

  4. Debbie says:

    Thank you Lynn. This is a wonderful.
    Sometimes we get so caught up in our own minds, that we can’t figure out how to deal with an issue plaguing us. This gives a platform in a place we are already comfortable in. Something said here may help someone having a hard time. It also helps let us know we are not alone.
    You have created another good thing.
    Bless you, Lynne

  5. KJ says:

    As a mental health nurse it is so good to see this. The biggest hurdle for most is to acknowledge there is an issue in the first place, and second, willingly talk about the issue. So to find a platform where people are willing to share is great.

  6. Elisabeth says:

    This is amazing 💗 you are amazing 💜

  7. Esther Williams says:

    Thank you Goddess for caring enough to help us to up lift each in our time of need. You Goddess are a gift from God.

  8. Camille Henley says:

    Thank again Goddess! You have given us an outlet to just talk about “ME” and what I’m facing everyday. An outlet to see others who’re going through the same . In additional to receiving such wonderful supporting words almost just wants to make you cry.. One of the reader reminded me that “God never put more on us than we can bear” sometimes we just needs to be reminded. These past two years has been extremely difficult for myself and family…. I will share that my Faith has kept me from going crazy. My hope has given me the outlet to focus on today and not tomorrow…

    Everyday I tell myself that the storm will past and the light will show up. Perhaps next time I can give more details, but right now I just need to cry because crying for some strange reason release so much pain and sometime bitterness. I will never allow the devil to steal my sanity and makes or force me to be an evil bitter woman. I just can’t and I won’t. I know that I’m all over the place. Life just feels like a roller coaster. My prayers are with every ones that’s going through their struggle. Please know the storm will be past… We just have to be patient and obedience .
    Love You All. Lets just keeping praying for everyone.

    Goddess You’re our Angel- Please know that we love you and are so grateful that your family allows you to give us so much of yourself…

  9. Just another reason to respect and appreciate the Goddess….Always giving us a voice. Thank you

  10. sharong1969 says:

    I love that you are so invested in your followers. I appreciate you caring. I think this is a great idea. We all need somewhere we can connect, inquire about our issues/problems, reach out or just vent maybe. So many times we feel we are alone on an island with our issue and how nice this will be to maybe find that one person going through something very similar and this place will give us that opportunity for a connection and help. So thank you. You truly are THE BRONZE GODDESS!! And let’s be honest here… we really are your loyal minions 😜🤪

  11. Sherree Watkins says:

    This is totally anonymous right? My family won’t see what i post?

    Sent from my iPad

  12. bichonmomma says:

    Lovely gesture for your fans. We have all heard that we don’t understand till we walk a mile in someone else shoes. How very true. Depression, dissertion, divorce, medical issues, death and a multitude of things could happen to us and it is often hard to keep your head up when it occurs. I am glad that your fans feel comfortable to express themselves. If this group can help a single person then it is so worth it. Hopefully it will offer the support and kindness so many people need.

  13. Tina says:

    I cannot understand why some people need to be so nasty and judgemental about people who have mental issues. We all have problems some time or other. Before my husband passed away he changed. When I first met him I wouldn’t have put him down to be an abuser he was always loving kind and a gentleman. As years went by he started to become controling not letting me see my family or friends and it got worse as the years went on. I think you write what is going on every day to mostly every body and I enjoyed reading your stories. When is the next chapter up pretty Pleeeeeeeezeeeee!

  14. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  15. Sweetie Pie (henceforth - Stuart :) says:

    I’ve finally chosen my pseudonym – Stuart!

    I’ve written, deleted and rewritten my message here numerous times in the past few days. Unfortunately, I find that I’m still not ready to talk about it.

    So I thought i’ll only drop in to say hi and that you are wonderful BG and that someday, I hope I will find the strength to talk about it without letting it tear me apart.

    Here’s to that hope and lots of hugs to all you guys! xoxo

  16. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  17. Norma says:

    Just finished reading the latest chapter. It brought back a memory of when my father passed. The funeral home did a horrible job with his hair and somehow gave him a smirk. We couldn’t fix his mouth and it took some doing to take his hair. I feel Harmony’s pain.

    • Someone once told me they had to do their mother’s hair, nails, and makeup and I thought it was a one-off. Then my other mother in Detroit passed away in July and when I went back to the funeral, one of my sisters–the hairdresser–told me that she did her hair, and she did a fantastic job! So, I learned that it really happens first hand. 😥

      • sheila says:

        OMG! My aunt passed away… the youngest and last of my mother’s sisters. She was always gorgeous, caught many stares from men and mean glances and side-eyes from women… She WAS a beautiful woman, so I WAS SHOCKED enough with her death, BUT when I saw how she was presented!!!! My heart BROKE!!!! If she had known… if she knows!!!! Apparently my Aunt’s step daughter just pulled whatever out of the closet… didn’t bother to REALLY think about her! I was in SHOCK!!! Even my uncle said some words in passing about how he wished us girls had been involved (I am the youngest of my my mother’s 4 girls (he meant us, and maybe a few cousins), my mother was the oldest sister (of 8 children total, this uncle in line was number two, my mom was 3, if you even need to know… this aunt was THE BABY, the youngest and THE BABY GIRL of their family and he was the oldest sibling and is still living… I hope that makes sense)… Anyway, it looked like she didn’t even bring a BRA!!! SO my aunt’s ample breasts (yes, natural) and maybe needed a little help…of course they do, who’s don’t like to lie down and fall in your armpits with no support?!?!?… ANYWAY she/they should have been presented the way she always did… and her hair was never matronly, and she always had makeup that was prominent, but not over the top, BUT STYLISH!!! I really wonder if the proprietors of that funeral home even had pictures to look at… and if they didn’t when they were working on her, then did they not see they slide show that was on several screens around the viewing room…. AND WHY COULDN’T I get over my own shit to find someone and SAY SOMETHING to make it right!?!?!?! I was selfish instead and made a comment to my niece that she was to make sure my boobs were presented correctly, and I at least had eyeliner and lashes in case something happened to me… sigh… I kinda hate myself a little… I am thinking I just didn’t want to be in the head of her being gone, so since I didn’t really recognize that person it wasn’t real? I don’t know… I always over analyze everything…

      • I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. I’m praying for strength for your family. It sounds like her stepdaughter was a real hateful pill… forgive me if I’m wrong.

  18. Gemini says:

    I wrote a very LOOONNNNGGG post, on this thread, when you posted Chapter 64. I have no clue why it didn’t go through. I guess I’ll try to post it again, later 😦

    • I check “junk” and “deleted” and see if it got misrouted…

      • Gemini says:

        I just retyped it. Hopefully it goes through this time. If not, here it is:

        I am in an internal debate on what to do about my husband/marriage. We’ve been married for 18 years. I was 19, he was 22 when we met. We have two children (ages 12 & 14). He has an older daughter who is 26. He’s NEVER paid child support. He grew up in a single parent home. His mother was too busy whoring herself instead of being a mom. I grew up with both of my parents. My granny warned me about him while we were dating. She said he was jealous of me and possessive. His own mother even warned me about him. She told me he was verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive…..and he is. To date, I’ve dished out $12K on his child support issues (a child who is not mine, but I’ve been in her life since she was 2). He feels this is what I should have done. We were separated for 4 years because he had to move back to Michigan and serve house arrest. I dumbly let him come back because I didn’t want my children to be a statistic (broken black family). I worked 2 jobs the entire time he was gone, lost our house to foreclosure (cause I paid his legal fees), had both of our cars repossessed (his car was in my name because i had the better credit). He moved back in 2013 and it’s still no better. It’s WORSE. He quit his job (April 2019 will be 2 years he’s been out of work) saying he wanted to start his own business, but it’s really cause he was tired of the child support coming out of his paychecks. I. AM. TIRED. He’s a pot head. He used to hack into my computer to check my emails, etc…I started logging out of everything. He feels entitled and I’ve enabled him all these years. My health has declined dealing with his issues. He has a terrible temper and I’d have to call the cops on him to get him to leave (I have several friends from high school who are cops). He hates living where we live and constantly complains. I take care of my 88 y/o grandmother so leaving the state is NOT an option, yet. He complains about everything. Even our children are sick of him. My children, especially my son are in turmoil cause they are tired of him, yet they want him to do right. I would need him out of the state. I’ve thought about contacting MI again, to come get him. He goes to FB and complains about me whenever he’s pissed. He’s very juvenile. He did not support me when I was in Grad school (I graduated in 2011). He just barely graduated from high school and feels the need to constantly talk down about my education (the white man makes the black woman feel she does not need a man when he makes her salary higher than the black mans, blah, blah). I’m beyond tired, but I’m afraid. I need him out of the state, otherwise he’d harass me (come by the house, my job, etc.). He would not care about a restraining order. He has nowhere to go. His own mom does not want him back at her house. He’s burned the bridge between he and his dad a looooonnnng time ago. His dad is another topic. His dad is my minister. I went to him, for help, when my house was in foreclosure in 2011 and he did nothing (that’s another post). He’s said horrible things to me. He once told me if I left him he hopes my new man gives me aids and I die. I have emails/texts where he says crazy stuff. He’s a manipulator and he brags about being one. He’s your typical asshole. Sorry this was so long. I am in the process of cleaning up my credit to get another house. The foreclosure is no longer on my credit report. I want him gone before I find another house. I feel bad for him, but he’s also a grown man. I’ve enabled him long enough. He’s not a good role model for our son or daughter. Again, I’m sorry this was so long.

      • Lorraine says:

        Never apologise for saying how you feel, you sound like a very strong woman and a good mum, you’ve tried to make things work with this man and have put up with a lot, he clearly doesn’t deserve you, it sounds as if enough is enough, a restraining order might not mean much to him but if he breaks it the law will step in and do something, you shouldn’t have to move to get away from him, maybe ask your friends if they know of any free services that could help you, even maybe just someone you could talk to. You and your family deserve a stress free life, don’t allow this arse to drag you down, he’s not worth it. Stay strong.
        Regards
        Lorraine

      • shell says:

        i just dont no were to start..i feel like my life is not not my own any more my partner is making me a shell of a person. its got to the point i cant be in the same room as him and i cant stand him touching me it makes me PHYSICALLY sick .i just cant carry on anymore .. ive been diagnosed with anxiety depression and my mood swings are realy bad i cant go out as i feel like im been watched and im a bag of nerves and he’s making it worse ive nobody to talk to becouse the one person i thought would help me turned her back on me after ive helped her through her troubles so im all alone it’s coming up this month for the 14th anniversary of my mothers death which i didn’t grieve properly i miss her so much . i know i need to see someone but the therapist i saw was his aswell and he told em the nothing wrong with me im attention seeking..i cant afford to see someone private even though i live in the uk and we have nhs i dont think they are helping…2 out 3 of my kids dont help they just making things worse im having thoughts of taking my own life. .just get away from it all.as i have no money to beable to move away from this or i would go tomorrow if i could.. my relationship with my stepfather and step sister none existent so help from them is out of the question i just dont no what to do anymore i just want a oneway ticket away from the hell im living in.i cant even get a job as ive no qualifications i left school had kids and then looked after his parents through their illnesses thats all i seem to do is look after other people but ive nobody to look after me ive got debts im struggling to pay he just drinks all our money away but im in wrong if i say anything about it ive tried to get help with money but no one will help me …sorry for the rant and spelling mistakes and no nonsense post as im not good at writing and making sense of things

      • Hi Shell,

        Wow… I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I hear you loud and clear on everything that you’re going through and I so want to help you. The problem is that just about every solution that I would have given you, you seem to have already tried to no avail or the option is just not feasible or available to you. I have a few more options that may at least offer you some relief. I wish I had more.

        You appear to have no monetary or emotional support from any direction and that’s really bad. I won’t sugarcoat it—it wouldn’t do you any good if I did. Without money or some kind of support, there’s no way out of the situation that you’re in. The only other option that you have right now is your own strength and determination to make the best of a bad situation.

        First, everyone starts in the job market somewhere. Look for jobs that don’t require experience and that will train you. I saw that you said you quit school to have children. Did you finish high school? Try to see if there is something that requires little or no experience. That is the only way that you’re going to be able to make some money.

        How were you diagnosed with anxiety? Was it your GP? Was that before you were with your husband/partner? How long has it been? Have you looked into NHS for yourself to see if there’s anything they can do for you or are you going by what he and/or his therapist says? You may have to get a little heavy handed to get the care that you need even if it means doing more research and taking several avenues and not taking “no” for an answer. I found this website that may be of some help. Where someone said, “no,” you have to keep going. And DON’T GO TO HIS THERAPIST! That was a conflict of interest and it shouldn’t have been done in the first place.

        https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

        I can’t really speak to how the people around you are treating you, turning their backs on you, and ignoring the severity of your condition. I can say this, though. You won’t survive without some kind of support system, and if the people around you don’t want to support you, then dammit, you have to build your own. Even though you may not be able to get monetary support from them, you will be able to get emotional support when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. And if you put your heart and work into building a support system, you may meet someone who might have some resources or ideas to help you physically or to get a job. Here’s some suggestions:

        Are you on Facebook? If not, you should get a Facebook ID. You don’t even have to use your real name to start out if you don’t want to. You just need an email, and you can make one of those up, too. Facebook has a plethora of groups for every need and interest. I have found lots of comfort and camaraderie in many of my Facebook groups. I’m in a marriage group, an “old school” group, a Mom’s group, a spiritual group, an “old lady” group, several authors groups, and several FSOG groups. You can join groups for other people who suffer from anxiety, people who are depressed, support groups for people who just need someone to talk to—you name it, you can probably find it on Facebook. There are other forms of social media if you are on them that most likely have a similar platform for groups. It’s time to reach out and make your own support system or you may never have one. I don’t know exactly where you’re located, but this site offers many services (some online) for a very low yearly fee.

        https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/membership-services/self-help-groups/

        Last and certainly not least, you need some kind of spiritual regimen. Notice that I did NOT say “religious,” I said “spiritual.” Your spiritual regimen is directly aimed at bringing you peace and solace, especially in a time of trouble. It can be religious if you so choose, whatever religion you choose—I’m a firm believer in the power of prayer. You would just need to find prayers or just pray for strength and peace, for inner calm and even for answers. Your regimen may have to do with meditation (this is a really good one, second only to prayer in my eyes). Chanting is also a very good calming practice. You definitely want to get into some kind of regimen of self-affirmation as well. It sounds and feels very silly at first, but it is very useful in helping to realize your self-worth. When you first begin to do it, it may seem like it’s not working, but keep going. You certainly have nothing to lose, right?

        You must remember that no matter how someone else works to tear you down, you matter, and you have to work just as hard to build yourself up. Google “self-affirmations” or “positive affirmations” and you’ll be bombarded with lots of help. Here are some links to get you started.

        https://www.gaiam.com/blogs/discover/meditation-101-techniques-benefits-and-a-beginner-s-how-to

        https://mindworks.org/blog/what-is-mantra-meditation/

        https://www.huffpost.com/entry/affirmations_b_3527028

        https://www.huffpost.com/life/topic/emotional-wellness

        YouTube is an excellent source, too…

        5-Minute Meditation You Can Do Anywhere

        15 Min. Meditation To Create “Positive Energy Field” l Remove Negative Vibes l Cleansing & Healing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dMuyjV4jHM

        Meditation and Healing
        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCM7XCXnxtYJkkMN0zf0tsSw

        These are just places to start. You will have to do some research that fits you, but this will give you an idea. I hope this helps in at least pointing you in the right direction. I wish I could do more.

      • seralynsmom says:

        I just want to add to what Lynn said here. When you do start making money, hide it from him. To be frank, he sounds like he’s trying to isolate you. Which is one of many tools in a domestic abuser’s arsenal. Which, again frankly, he sounds like. He is beating you down and he’s using your own mental health to do it. My ex used to do that. So he could try to take what little money you earn. So hide it. In places he’s unlikely to look. If you direct deposit it. Make sure it’s in an account with ONLY your name on it so he can’t get into it. Idk how things work in the UK as far as banking goes, but if my husband and I hadn’t added my name to his account and made it joint, I wouldn’t have been able to get into it in any way except at the self checkout atm thingy with his card and code.

        But most importantly. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety like you, do not lose hope. Do not give up. Push and push and push. If one thing fails, find another solution. Never let go of the hope that you’ll get away from him.

      • Yes! I should have said that — good catch, Ashley! And Shell, don’t tell him anything about what you’re doing. Nothing about the support groups, the self-affirmations, none of those things. I know from personal experience that he will only ridicule you and do everything he can to tear down all of your efforts.

      • seralynsmom says:

        Same with the job. He might try and stop you from getting one or try to ruin it for you by calling them constantly…things that would force them to fire you. Or he could try and prevent you from getting to work by taking away your transportation. So try to keep all of the positive things you’re doing for yourself, to yourself. You might even be able to find a job that will schedule you in a way that you could leave after he does and get home before he does. Getting out of a situation like that, it takes planning. Also, maybe see if you can find a (I can’t remember what they’re called. We have them here in the US but idk about over there) group that can help you get out? Women’s shelters, domestic violence hotlines and helpers. They might be able to give you options to get out without the money and help you get set up elsewhere. There are programs like this, I just don’t know if you have them in the UK. But it NEVER hurts to ask or look it up.

      • shell says:

        thankyou you both for the kind words and information i was realy down yesterday and at all time low.. i googled help line numbers and spoke to a very kind lady on a help line and she going to help me with more information and a support group for mental health and get back to me through text messages i can call them again if i need em.. im going to go the group as people who canb help with sorting finances and put intouch with other groups which help with my kind of situation its going to take time but i will come out of this stronger with the right help she promised me that he wouldn’t find out and if i was followed to this group by him he wouldn’t be allowed in and be dealt with by the police i not in this aloan and theres other women in kind of the same thing im in.
        i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression by my doctor after a medical health check my emotions was all over the place and i have other health issues it all just came out in the doctors visit..i was advised yesterday to return to see my doctor and see if my medication can be changed to help me so fingers crossed it will im going to take both ur advice and look into some help groups and find a job that i can do for a few hours a day just get a bit of money to stash away thankyou so much xxx

      • @Shell YAY!!!! I’m so happy to hear all of that!! Please please please keep us posted. I’m rooting for you over here; you’ve got a full-on cheerleader in me!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

      • seralynsmom says:

        Same from me. So glad you found some help. I have a friend that was in a similar situation and I was with a mental abuser myself, so I know how hard it is to get away and how hard it is not to let them break you down completely. Keep doing what you’re doing and if you ever need to talk, we’re here.

      • Debbie Rudolph says:

        I am so glad you had the courage to make that call. You may not realize it, but you also had the courage to reach out here at “do you need to talk”. Yes, it may have felt more like desperation, but it took courage. Good for you! You can do this!

        As for your children…..not knowing their ages….I’m thinking the two naughty ones are probably school age at least. They are mirroring you & your husband. They are feeling insecure & that can make them misbehave in ways we can’t always understand. When you start feeling more positive, their behavior will ease up. Don’t be afraid to let them know that mommy’s not feeling well & you need their help. Don’t mollycoddle them, but try to be understanding & find something for them to do that’s positive. After-school programs maybe? If they are old enough, maybe they can help a neighbor with the yard or bring in groceries. But DO NOT tell them what you have planned. As you probably know they can spill the beans. You wouldn’t want to leave them with him would you? They need you.

        You got this Shell. We are all pulling for you.

        💕&🙏

        Debbie

        ________________________________

  19. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  20. Vamomoftwins says:

    Your story is a respite for me. My adult 25 yr old son battles with mental illness. He is bipolar, has severe anxiety and hears voices. He also has epilepsy and gastroparsis. Everyday is a struggle. It’s either depression weighing him down or he is manic and all over the place. That is when you really have to be on your game with him. When he is manic he has energy and that’s when he will try to kill himself. The last time was a year ago he I found him hanging from our staircase. Luckily, I got him down in time but now I can’t leave him alone. In September he comes off my insurance and that even scares me more. He is on a lot of medication and has bimonthly visits to the emergency room for seizures or his stomach. Nobody in my family understands mental illness and thinks it’s something you can just get over. Thanks for listening, it’s good to get it off my chest

  21. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  22. I am a mess. I often feel depressed and think of ending my life. I am in college and haven’t passed a single class since I started college. The lies that I tell my family about doing well in school, and getting back my financial aid keep snowballing. My home life is not the best. The house is a mess, my parents and older sister constantly argue. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle.

    I am a lazy person and a liar. I want to change the way I am, but I find it difficult to. I wish I could just end it all. I feel like all the happiness I get is from my phone because I have no friends. I am 20 years old and I have goals. I want to work for the government. I want to have a family of my own. But the way I am makes that not possible.

    I just wish I could escape.

    • Rosemarie, I’ve been where you are more than once in my life if for different reasons. The first thing you need to do is seek some counseling because it’s definitely not a good place to be, especially when you say that you feel like ending it all. I learned from not giving up that as long as you’re alive, it can be fixed… but once you’re gone, nothing can be fixed because it’s all over. 😦

      You also need to think hard about what you want in your life. You said that you want to work for the government. In what capacity? What exactly would you like to do? In order for you to achieve this goal, is it absolutely necessary for you to have a college degree?

      Have you thought about why you’re failing out of college? Is it because the classes are too hard? Because your home life has you distracted? Because you really don’t want to be there?

      You must pinpoint what makes you happy while you are seeking counseling. I hear you calling yourself “lazy” and “a liar.” If you can identify these things in yourself, then you can take the steps to change them… but it won’t be easy. 😦 You’ll have to commit to taking the steps to make the changes that you need to see, but you’ll need some help, and somehow, you’ll have to get away from the arguing. It’s only wearing you down.

      Ending your life is worse possible option. It’s only going to serve to hurt all the people you leave behind, and it’s going to take away all of your chances to be everything that you can be. The very best advice I can give you (besides please please please look into counseling–even free counseling or support groups) is to start by setting some goals. I know it sounds corny, but trust me, it’ll give you something to strive for. Set the BIG goals, and then break the big goals down into smaller, more attainable goals. Keep breaking them down into smaller steps until you get to a level of something that you can do, and then do it! Each time you check one of those smaller steps off your list, you’ll find yourself closer to your ultimate goal and the feeling of accomplishment will be more fulfilling than you can possibly imagine!

      It won’t be easy, Rosemarie. I speak from experience. But I’m proof that it’s not impossible. I had the same thoughts for many years, but I realized when someone close to me tried to kill themselves for some of the most selfish reasons that if I did that, it would be the single most selfish thing that I could have ever done, and I just decided that I had to find a way to make things better. So, I went to a therapist–and I leaned on my faith in God–and I just started working on “me.”

      Baby steps, my friend. It may be a long journey, but trust me, you’ll be very proud of yourself when you come out victorious.

      • I was sure this tag said “Rosemarie” when I first saw it. I’m not crazy, am I? Maybe I am, oh well…

      • Rosemarie says:

        You’re not crazy, wanted to remain anonymous, but changed my username after I posted.

      • sheila says:

        THIS! YES THIS RESPONSE IS SOOOO IMPORTANT!!!!! All of it is! But the thing that REALLY hit me was one BIG goal, then break it down into smaller goals! That, to me MAKES SO much sense!!! I have read SO many times… start with a small goal, yada, yada… BUT Yeah that can be easy, but when it comes to THE BIG THINGS!!! OMG! Now, it seems like it should be common sense! Now, how to break those down… lol! Thanks again BG! Sorry if I’ve blowing you up… I just decided tonight to read through the “Do you need to talk? and apparently have diarrhea of the brain…

      • Talk away, my friend. Don’t sweat it. 😉

    • falalalynx says:

      Hey now Marbella

      Hi there! It’s Falala. Your missive is making my heart hurt. I’m starting from the bottom and working my way up.

      Perhaps you can’t physically escape but here’s a trick I do all the time. My mind is my own and I can decorate it however I choose. I escape while reading sitting in my beautifully decorated mental mansion. I leave all the yuck outside the door. And then off I go getting lost in what I’m reading. When I have to step back into the real world like when I’n standing at the sink cleaning the kitchen I can access my thoughts and I dance right through the doom and gloom. I do this a lot. The family often asks me what’s so funny when they see me smiling in the middle of the oddest thing. grin I just smile. It’s my secret and they can’t have it or get to it.

      You say you are just twenty, oh boy yeah that’s a tuff age. You think you know it all and then you discover you don’t know squat. Hey I’m a grandmother and I still don’t know squat. grin

      You can survive this period. I know you can. I think the fact they you are here and you told us is huge and very brave of you. You want things to be better. You just need some help getting started.

      Start with school. Do you have access to counseling? Perhaps you need to drop one class so you wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. I thought that is what the counselors were for. Ask them for help. What are you studying?

      You want to change you said it yourself. So start small. The house is a mess? Make your bed. Clean your room. Straighten you shoes. Small bites so you don’t choke on the entire idea. And don’t try and do it all at once. Complete one thing and then appreciate yourself for completing the task. Then another and then another. You will be amazed when you mentally turn around and see all you’ve accomplished. And part of the chaos that your life seems to be will be gone.

      Now I am going to be blunt here. You don’t want to die. You want that job some day. You want that family. That’s on the horizon. Work on the immediate. You said you have no friends. sigh yeah this hurts. Could you join a study group? This could help with the school stuff maybe. I do know there is no one size fits all solution to this. You have to find the customized plan for you because there is no one quite like you.

      You said you are a liar. Who are you lying to, yourself or the rest of the world? You need to be honest with yourself. You said you want to change so show yourself you can. Small steps at first. Before you realize they will be strong strides towards your goals. I believe you can do it.

      I want you to know I heard you. And you are not alone. Goddess gave us this place to come to and I will check in everyday to see if you came by. I will listen with all my heart. {{{HUGS and HUGS and HUGS}}}

      Peace, Falala

      • falalalynx says:

        Uh wow Goddess are we sharing a brain now? I just read your reply. giggle Wow look at that I have Goddess brain. Woohoo go me! Same thoughts just different words. xoxoxoxo Peace, Falala

      • Great minds think alike, my friend. We have to take care of our own, right? Pull a sister up when she’s down.

    • People think I’m crazy but I get so lost in my fantasy world and it brings me peace–not to the degree that I don’t handle my responsibilities, but to the degree that I can deal with these assholes in the real world and not totally lose my damn mind!

      • falalalynx says:

        Hey now! Who thinks you’re crazy? You’re not crazy. I’M crazy. You are brilliant. I can’t count the number of times throughout my life that I’ve been called crazy. So one day I decided okay make some lemonade with this. grin So I LIKE being crazy. I sure as hell have more giggles in my life. I look for the funny. I strive to make people smile or giggle. A laugh can brighten someones day. So please my Goddess you keep being brilliant and drag me along to your fantasy world. I’ll see your fantasy and raise you a grin a giggle and a lol or even a lmao. Bonus points for a rotflmao.

        Peace, Falala

  23. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  24. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  25. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  26. Ina says:

    I wanted to write here ever since they his thread was started but putting it all in words is difficult. Before anything else keep in mind that English is not my first language.
    The second half of 2015, I started to change without me knowing or wanting to, nothing excited me anymore and was was never happy or proud of myself. I knew that something was wrong when I once talked to my teacher and her telling me that I was going to get an A in a subject and I was not proud because I felt like I had failed or not done enough. Needless to say every thing went down hill from that moment. I was in sick leave for 6 month. And when school started in August was going back for my fourth year in high school (high school here is 3 years) while my friends went to either work or to university. Despite therapy and me saying that I’m ok now and I’m over depression and anxiety I still have really bad days. It didnt make things better that I have not been accepted into university yet nor I’m I able to find a job. I’m afraid that I have fallen again. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’m tired feeling like a failure.
    I don’t know anyone will understand what I wrote but it feels a little better, maybe putting it out will somehow make things better. I’m desparate for a change but terrified to move…

    • (Okay, Warriors. I need you all–come on, let’s lift our sister up!)

      You did very well for English not to be your first language, Ina. Trust me, there are MANY people here who understand EXACTLY what you are feeling. Many of us have had some very tragic things happen in our lives that brought on depression and anxiety, and I’m certain that one or more of us just woke up one day and those feelings of helplessness were just THERE… and they can be SO POWERFUL.

      Please understand that depression and anxiety DO NOT GO AWAY, but you can manage those feelings and still have a very full and happy life. I need you to understand that, because when you have feelings of depression, I don’t want you to think it’s because you should have been “cured.” The healthiest part of this illness is to understand that these feelings may be and often are reoccurring and to be able to know what might trigger them or to recognize them when they show up so that you and combat them.

      Therapy is definitely a good thing. If you decide to talk to someone when you’re down and then give it a rest when you feel better, that’s fine. Do what works best for you, but don’t feel bad about or avoid going back to therapy whenever you feel the need to do so. It’s very important to talk these feelings out when they occur.

      I also suggest thinking about things that make you happy and being able to focus on those things when you find yourself at your lowest point–whether it’s reading, taking a walk, spending time with your family, gaming, drawing, whatever it may be. You will want to have a “happy place” that you can go to that will help keep you from spiraling out of control. This is SO important. Don’t skip this step.

      Most importantly, talk to your doctor or therapist to come up with a plan of treatment. This is a real and true ILLNESS (I have it, too) and it should be treated as such. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever why you can’t conquer this and achieve everything that you would like to achieve as long as you realize that this is a JOURNEY and you’re going to be traveling it for a while. There are medications that can help if you feel that need as well as support groups (you always have us!) and many other resources that can assist with helping you through this, but please, PLEASE talk to your doctor AND your therapist. BE TOTALLY HONEST about how you’re feeling so that they and you can come up with the best plan of action.

      PLEASE keep us posted. We are here for you!!! ❤

      • Ina says:

        Thank you for your kind and helpful words!! It feels better now. It’s really a journey like you mentioned. I feel better and stronger today, I really appreciate the small things that make me happy on my good days because when I’m down I know that I will be happy again!! Thank you again!!❤️❤️❤️

      • You are so welcome, my friend {{{good vibes}}} {{{good vibes}}}{{{good vibes}}}{{{good vibes}}}

    • sheila says:

      I was so happy to hear that you are feeling better! Please DO NOT hesitate to reach out more if you feel down. MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!

  27. Stuart says:

    I got married right after getting a professional degree. I had never been in a relationship up until I met my current husband and had absolutely no idea what to look for in a relationship. My dreams were made up of late night ice-cream drives, road-trips, family-times, etc.

    I fell head-over-heels for him and despite my family asking me to wait it out, give it sometime, get to know him and his family better, etc., I went ahead with his proposal 3 months into our relationship and got married to him. We live with his parents because that’s the norm where I come from.

    I started getting a confusing vibe right after marriage. I came upon an (ex) girl-friend of his, with whom he used to chat even after our wedding with things like “I know you miss me but don’t write anything on my fb wall, its enough that you think of me” “are you getting your periods regularly and how’s your thyroid?” “is your husband treating you ok” etc. etc. After I confronted him, he told it was just “acting” because he wanted to get back to her for how she dumped him. After a big hullabaloo about it, he stopped talking to her.

    But I’ve found that he’s a compulsive flirt and he gets attracted to opposite gender quite easily, without remembering there’s someone he’s married too. He tried to get into a relationship with his colleague (who he had earlier told me was like his little sister) and she denied. But till the day she left his workplace (until a year back), he talked to her regularly and then deleted chats saying “I can’t stop talking to everyone at your behest, she’s one of my best friends and it won’t change”. He eventually stopped talking to her because she got married and he didn’t want to “create troubles for her married life”. I can’t bring myself to trust him again after these things. I know he’s trying to change and I can see his efforts towards trying to make me trust him and its not like he strayed. But the thought that emotionally, he deserted me and that he found it important to delete chats, I can’t get over it.

    Also, he has an extremely patriarchal mindset who likes to show that he’s quite liberal. Like he expects me to take care of the household things (because his mother won’t like if her darling son has to lift a finger to work for his own self, including getting himself a glass of water) but he also wants me to have a career because that’s the right thing to do. I should also tell that his mother takes care of a lot of things at home but according to him, his mother has to slog because “his wife isn’t capable to take care of everything”. My day comprises of waking up at 5.30, household tasks, office, spending time with son, some TV series and then, sleep. My weekends comprise of housework and son. I don’t have a life apart from this. No friends, no social life where I meet people my age to just hang-out.

    My salary is being managed by him / his dad and I get a pocket-money out of my own salary for my expenses, which is about 0.5% of my entire salary (works out to about 85 USD a month) for my sanitary and cosmetic necessities and petrol, etc. After that, he expects me to plan my expenses and “save” from my pocket money because apparently, I have not inculcated proper “saving habits”. They are very frugal people and believe in minimalism. I am nowhere close to being a lavish person, but I like spending for myself and at any rate, I don’t like that I don’t have control over my own money!

    His family is extremely conservative: I can’t have friends, I can’t talk very regularly to my parents, they are always unhappy that my parents are wasting my inheritance by going on trips, shopping for each other and generally having what is called a life (this is really sick because its my parents money and not my inheritance!), I am always under the f*cking scanner and his dad is one of the most judgmental, misogynistic and toxic people I have had the misfortune or knowing. I have to share the space I call home with people like these who don’t know how to internalise their thoughts. I would infact be thankful if they thought and bitched about me behind my back instead of telling me very casually what is wrong with me and my family.

    I have severe anxiety issues and my doctor tells me that this is because I am an extremely non-confrontational and sensitive person stuck in a situation where my mind is always in anguish or fear, whether real or anticipated. I have had severe skin troubles because I could not manage my stress properly and have grown 1.5 times my size (doesn’t help that I was always “chubby” with negative body image) because I had to take high dosage of steroids to control the breakout on my body. I completely lost my sex-drive and am not aroused by anyone or anything (I always skip the erotic parts of all books, sadly including yours, because it only makes me feel incomplete and like a freak).

    Not everything is bad. He generally does take good care of me, tries to understand me and my perspective but it doesn’t help our case that we both have a very vastly different set of ideals. He is a great father to our 5 year old, spends time with him, teaches his all the good things. But that doesn’t mean our “marriage is good”.

    I don’t have an out from this marriage because that is how our society works, because my son loves him and it would break my heart to break his family, which comprises of mum-dad and grandparents. Also because, I do love him, I don’t know how but I do. He’s the one person I want to grow old with but he’s very difficult to live with. He tries to rein in his mindset and I know he does. But we are so different that even though both of us work towards each other, there’s no way in hell we can reach the middle ground. I am constantly going up and down on the mood swing, making it really tiring. I am tired all the time and if there were a hibernate option, I’d have gladly taken it by now.

    I don’t know why I wrote the story of my life here but I just wanted it all out and now that it is, I feel a little better. BG, you are truly a god-send. I look forward to Ana’s story and I’m looking to grow with her. Thanks for the escape you provide to me out of my life.

    • I’m glad that you are able to share with us, my friend. At first when I was reading your story, I was like, “Oh my God! How can she live like this?” The more I read, I realize the kind of society you’re living in. I’m very familiar with it, in fact. You mentioned that there is no “out from this marriage” for you—nor would I suggest that you or ANYONE leave their marriage—but the fact that you mentioned that indicates that you’ve thought about it.

      I won’t begin to assume that I have the answer for your circumstances, but I will tell you that you are in an unhealthy situation all the way around. I don’t know what to tell you to do within the realm of your current options, but these things are definitely shortening your life. Take it from a woman who had to have THREE STROKES to realize that.

      You have severe anxiety issues—that’s bad on your heart.
      You have a negative body image and an overall negative image of yourself—that causes more stress.
      Your husband is a compulsive flirt, easily forgetting his vows to his wife—please don’t get me started on the emotional warfare THAT is!
      He expects you to work AND be a housewife, but not keep any of your own money or have your own life—I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to respond to that.
      You’re supposed to get gas and all of your sanitary needs from $85 a month? Seriously?
      But then, it’s your fault that you can’t save… save what? Five dollars a month if you don’t buy toothpaste??
      You live in a toxic environment constantly under scrutiny—BAD scrutiny—and you can’t even talk to your parents who are spending THEIR money on THEIR lives, and that’s your fault. Huh?
      Your only possible champion—your husband—is siding against you with his parents in your oppression.
      And you’re gaining weight—also very bad for your heart.
      And you’re breaking out all the time because of your nerves (that’s a form of “shingles,” by the way), taking steroids and always tired.

      I’m not even addressing the emotional HELL that you’re going through. Right now, I’m talking about your health. Can you see how everything that you have listed that you’re going through is slowly chipping away at your life and your health? You can GOOGLE any ONE of those things that you’ve written about and see what the end result is, and you’re dealing with several. My strokes came from stress, emotional distress, and weight. It’s a miracle from GOD that I lived, and you’ve got all three of those and the levels that you’re dealing with are exponentially worse than what I had.

      Your health is deteriorating before your very eyes, and when and if you end up hospitalized, the accusation will be, “Why didn’t you take better care of yourself?” When and if this thing does eat away at you and take your life, once you’re gone, nobody’s going to take responsibility for that. That’s going to be your fault, too. Please ponder the implications of that for a moment…

      There may be something or some factors that I’m not aware of here and I don’t want to put anybody in judgment. All I can say is that I’m sending you love and good vibes because I simply could not live this way. It could be because my culture is different, or I was just raised differently, but I’m not really certain what to say without making a bad matter worse. Just know that you always have someone to listen to you here, and I’m praying for your strength.

      I really hope that I’m not overstepping my boundaries. I really just can’t see something and not say something, and I hope you don’t hate me after this. Even if you do, I’m going to keep you in my prayers and still send you positive energy.

    • sheila says:

      Dearest, for the love of Allah, God, Zeus… Jesus!!! I don’t what the FUCK TO SAY!!!! Sorry, I often lean on “bad” words…. Sometimes because they can have a BIG impact! AND I THINK YOU NEED IT!!!
      So, while I gather my thoughts, here is something to read:
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/goddesses-from-around-the-world_n_56b8f607e4b08069c7a852d1.

      and here’s a site for women that did awesome things, even though some in their time or place didn’t like it… https://www.historyextra.com/100-women/100-women-results/

      • sheila says:

        Anyway, reach out to anyone you think can help… BUT ONLY IF YOU TRUST THEM!!! It sounds as though you live in an unfriendly place as far as women’s rights…. I KNOW there may be some sympathic, I hope you can find them!!!! WE, WOMEN!!! Have done MANY great things, and will will continue to do more!!! Please let us know how you are!!!

  28. Stuart says:

    Oh BG, I would never hate anyone for pointing out the obvious. I’ve been doing my therapy on free online sites because well, my pocket money can’t cover therapy expenses and I wouldn’t want anyone to point out that I’m “acting being sick” to get his sympathy.

    Out of the marriage – Yes, I’ve thought about it, several times in fact. Its a tough decision to get out of a toxic relationship along with a kid. Especially in society like ours, its a difficult thing. Plus, we’re same profession, and since the past 6 months, we work at the same place. We know the same people, we work on same clients and are part of the same fraternity. The fallout would also impact my professional life as much as my and my kid’s personal life. I’d have to be a heartless person to break the family of my 5 year old. He adores us and he is an angel. He’s given me a purpose and he’s one person who makes me feel special and loved without judgments :* I’ve thought this through and made an informed decision to stay. I do love him but I know love is not enough, like in our case, its not.

    I was so sad reading that we have similar health issues BG. I am aware of how all of this is taking a toll on my health. But I believe I’m taking baby steps out of it. I’m trying to be more aware of the triggers and how should I let it affect me, if at all. I give myself a pep talk at the end of every day and I try and go to sleep knowing that I’m not the one who’s wrong here. I’m sure he and his family are coming from their perspective, they are the way they are because of how our society usually is and this is how their situations have made them to be. Its always difficult to break out of a set of ideals which have gone on forever. Hopefully, the next gen does better because there’s me and people like me who know and who are aware of how the world is changing in the right direction.

    It hurts me most that he’s not aware how this patriarchal mindset is also affecting him and his health because of the pressure “to earn more than the wife”, “to be a manly man” etc.. It would have been so much easier for me if he could see that too! And I hope someday, he’ll come around and open his eyes.

    Its just that its tough to remember all of this every.single.day. There are days when I’m out for some assignment and I go back to my hotel room and all I do is shut myself in the bathroom with the bathtub full of bubbles and howl. I cry for everything I have to go through. I cry for the pent up feeling asking me everyday “what have I done to deserve this”. I go to sleep a little lighter those days.

    So to everyone going through a tough time, I only want to tell that we are not taught enough of this in our growing up years – Our happiness is our responsibility and ours alone. The moment we make another person responsible for our happiness, we are on perilous path. We can be what we aspire to be. We just need to keep reminding ourselves. And hey, no one knows your life better than you do, so rely on your gut.

    Love,
    Stuart

    • Very well said, my friend. I’m still sending you positive thoughts and I truly hope things come around the way that you hope for. Talk to us anytime!! ❤

    • sheila says:

      I admire your strength and perseverance!!! Please know that there are many of us out here that LOVE YOU!!! AND PRAY for you each day, to have a better day, each day 🙂 xoxo

  29. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  30. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  31. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  32. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  33. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  34. MichelleCheri’ says:

    Just been recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had my Lumpectomy surgery this past week. Next up is radiation treatment. Now that is a bit scary …

    • Jesus! I’m so sorry to hear that, Michelle! I hope everything goes well. Sending you love and healing thoughts, my friend.

    • sheila says:

      Nearly a year ago my boss at work had the same thing happen, and they told her it was a VERY aggressive type of cancer… long story short, she took the hard road and went through all the “nasty/aggressive shit” and at this point she’s all clear! 🙂 I am hoping/wishing/praying you get that as well 🙂 There is hope!!! Never forget!!!

  35. Carolyn says:

    I have a brother with Aspergers and severe depression. He has talkes about commiting suicide many times, and just last week he tried to actually go through with it. Feeling very stressed as my grandma has severe heart problems and finding out about my brother’s suicide attempt causes her to have a major heary attack & while getting treated for that she had a stroke and now is not expected to live past the end of this month. I dont know what to do as my grandma and brother are very close so when she does pass, i fear that my brother will commit suicide while im at work and there is no on I really trust to keep an eye on him or have his best interests in mind. What should i do? I can’t take a leave of abscence from work as I work as a sub at a child development center and the only sub available for the other teachers as the only other sub is on maternity leave.

    • This is such a severe situation. They are mutually codependent and one appears not to be able to survive without the other. Although your grandmother’s current condition may have been caused by your brother’s fall off the “cliff,” she couldn’t be expected to be around indefinitely and now, he’s going to be in a critical condition when “that time” comes.

      I hope I don’t sound insensitive because that is truly not what I’m trying to do, but you’re got between a rock and a hard place and you’re going to have to make some tough decisions. You can’t be there 24/7 to watch over him or else you’re going to fall. You’re going to lose your job and your health may even suffer. As such, in the end, you’ll be left with nothing.

      How old is your brother? Is he cognizant and depressed or is he mentally challenged and depressed (please forgive me — I’m not familiar with all the nuances and severity associated with Aspergers )? You have no other choice but to trust someone to keep an eye on him unless you plan on quitting your job to do it yourself. Is there some kind of day care that you can put him in — some kind of program or adult day care (I don’t know how old he is)? Are there any programs in your area or through local or national community or social services that might be able to assist or give suggestions?

      I wish I was better equipped to answer your question, but I’m totally out of my element here. I sincerely hope something I said here helps. Also, see if there are any support groups for caregivers or family members of those with Aspergers that might be able to give you some advice.

      I’m keeping you in my thoughts. 😥

      • Sheila Tems says:

        Is he being treated by a professional? Is he on medication(s) to deal with his mood/anxiety? Does he have a counselor/social worker?
        I am SO sorry to say I can’t add much more than prayers and good thoughts… I truly hope that you, Carolyn, have found some help, respite in your community. XOXO

      • Carolyn says:

        I’m sad to say that both my grandmother and brother lost their lives in a car accident when a drunk driver t-boned the van my brother & grandma were in on the passenger side pushing it right into a semi truck. They both died on impact.

      • Wait a minute… What???? This just happened???

      • Carolyn says:

        Yes it happened March 29th as they were on their way to meet with my brother’s case worker and psychatrist to figure out coping techniques and possibly changing his medicine.

      • Jesus! Weren’t we just talking about this? Both of them??? Jesus, I’m so, so sorry!!! 😥

      • Sheila Tems says:

        My condolences… I hope you find some light between the dark that has fallen upon you. XOXO many prayers, love and light to you.

  36. Isabel says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months, and about 5 months ago I caught him being unfaithful. He hadn’t don’t anything physical but he’d been having an emotional affair, if you will, with an old flame from work for about 3 months. I caught him and saw that she’d sent very sexual messages— to which he claims that he never engaged at that aspect and would ignore her sexual messages, but still continue to communicate with her. I’m not entirely sure I believe that but oh well.
    At the time of the affair he was deeply depressed and drinking heavily due to being out of work. So I excused a lot of the behavior. I put it down to depression and scolded myself for having enabled him. After I caught him he really turned things around and we’ve been doing pretty great. Except that I’m really struggling to fully trust him. He seems like he’s been really open and has been incredibly understanding (he’s caught me going through his phone since the incident). I hate that I’m going through his phone. I’ve never been that person and I don’t like it. And yet I keep doing it. I think it’s partly because before I caught him taking to that girl I had NOOOO idea. I trusted him so absolutely. Now I don’t trust myself. Or him.
    This morning I found an escort service open on his phone, and accounts to multiple cam porn websites. I am very sex positive and I have no problem with him watching porn. But it does make me very uncomfortable that he’s subscribing to cam sites. In my mind that’s next level, that’s engagement with another person…but is it? I’m not sure. I’d like to understand it. Just because it makes me feel this way doesn’t mean I think it’s wrong. But can I be okay with him doing that? I don’t know. I feel as though I don’t have an option. He has a right to have sexual feelings and they can’t all be directed at me. But where’s the line? I suppose that’s up to him and me to define. That’s a terrifying thought. If I define a line, then he can cross it. And is the escort site just a way to look at porn? Or more than that? Since clearly he’s into a live show….I don’t know. I just don’t know.
    In his history there were many pages titled “text” or “email” whatever random camgiirl’s username. Is that just the name of the page when you look at an account? Is he actually talking to these people including to watching them? I’ll only know by asking him. Im afraid to find out.
    I also find emails to a site for dating older women(I’m younger.) The emails were unopened, and maybe they’re like the old Facebook emails that I get. There was so much porn. Which I don’t judge, honestly I don’t, but he has a very addictive personality.
    I guess my questions are— am I being too sensitive? How concerned do I need to be? Do I need to work on being more accepting of the way he chooses to satisfy himself? Do these thoughts purely stem from my insecurity and trust issues from previous transgressions; or am I being totally naive and lying to myself?
    Anyway, sorry for the essay…I can’t afford therapy, and I don’t want to talk to anyone in our lives who may judge him. Thank you bronze goddess for putting up this thread ♥️

    • Isabel says:

      I also wanted to say that I’d really really appreciate feedback and advice ♥️

      • Liz says:

        This is obviously distressing you majorly. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him everything; that I’ve seen the websites and camgirls and emails and texts and that I want answers. Relationships cannot thrive when there are dangerous secrets lurking behind the scenes. You have every right to be worried and concerned, and you are not naive. If he was just watching taped porn, I wouldn’t be as worried, but he’s clearly communicating with 1) camgirls and 2) escort services. Those are real, in the moment people, not a tape from a year ago. He needs to realize and understand how you feel about the situation, and that you feel uncomfortable with his behavior. Keep your chin up. If he doesn’t realize your worth, then he isn’t a good man. Sending love.

    • How did I miss this???

      Whether you’re being too sensitive or not, you need to talk to him. Your uncertainty is just going to eat at you until you discuss your concerns with him. If you don’t get answers to your questions, all of your feelings are going to fester until they turn into resentment and trust me, that’s the beginning of the end (if you’re not already there). Get to the bottom of this if for no other reason than that you need to have peace of mind and to decide what your next move is going to be. Your other option is to remain silent and stay in the same situation you’re in right now.

      • Isabel says:

        Thank you so so much BG and Liz for the reply! I did confront him and he was very understanding about my feelings and I thought we’d put the issue to bed, at least for a time. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. A few months later I found that he was texting an ex and I believe that he may have been texting some female co workers as well. He said they were just friends, and at this point as much as I don’t trust I also don’t trust myself. I know he deletes texts from girls and he says it’s because I’m so on edge about this that seeing them would upset me??! I know when I’m being manipulated. I know I’m taking a risk by continuing to work on this relationship and I feel very conflicted about how to rebuild trust when the distrust is ongoing. To add insult to injury I found old correspondence between him and a cam girl from before I confronted him about that— it had been exactly what I feared. Intimate, romantic, caring, sexual. It broke my heart, again. If I’m honest, I had been half expecting it. I explained to him that I don’t care if he was paying her, to me that’s an affair. We talked about it and he knows I don’t trust him. I feel he cheated, he feels he didn’t. I want to rebuild trust but I don’t know where to start, especially when I’m up st night with suspicions and driving myself crazy over the fact that his coworkers thought he was in a relationship with a girl at work and he laughed about it and made plans to see her and told his friends he wouldnt mind fucking her. In what universe is that okay? Just venting at this point… thank you so much to BG for having this. Really.

      • I get up every morning listening to a song by Kirk Franklin called “Do You Want To Be Happy?” I think you should find that video on YouTube and watch it. There’s a message in it for you. You should also watch a video by Kirk called “Imagine Me.”

  37. Liz says:

    Young reader alert. Don’t be alarmed. More of a vent than anything else, I guess.
    So, I’m 17. Fresh out of high school, and I’ll be off to college in the winter (cue unenthusiastic celebration noises). I’m far behind other kids my age when it comes to “teenage stuff (?)” like driving and dating and sex and the whole shabang. I don’t drive. I haven’t dated. I haven’t had sex, hell, I haven’t even had my first damn kiss. I’m frustrated because I feel left behind, you know? I spend so much of my time cooped up in my room because the only person who really wants to hang out with me is my mom (Love ya, mama). “Well, why don’t you ask some of your friends out?” Yeah, see, that’s the problem. I’m terrified of getting a hold of people, aaaand I don’t have many friends, unless you can count my multitude of books as living things.
    The thing is, I think I’m just too mature for some of these kids. No, I’m not boasting. I love having debates and educated conversations about politics and medicine and current events. I guess that’s a big turn off for people. Even my college interests don’t interest them. Medicine (psychology or pediatric nursing) or law for my major, and most likely Human Sexuality for my minor. There’s the part that makes people uncomfortable.
    Yeah, I’m interested in sex. I love learning about it. Kinks, the entire psychology behind them and sex itself, how it works…it’s all so fascinating. I’ll get books upon books about sex and kinks and you wouldn’t believe the looks I get. It’s so embarrassing. I mean, I’m a slightly chubby, redheaded, freckle-covered, blue-eyed, innocent looking white girl who is probably wearing a Marvel t-shirt and blue jeans. Is that weird to people? Is a young female exploring her interests weird?
    BDSM is my greatest interest, and although I haven’t practiced it, I find it erotic as fuck. The idea of just submitting and letting it all go to please someone appeals to me. I’m not gonna lie and say that I haven’t gotten off to the idea of it. But…
    I’m a feminist. A big feminist.
    I think you see the problem now.

    Overall, I guess I just feel hopeless. I don’t know how to jumpstart my life, and I’m too shy to talk to people face to face about what I really feel as a woman and as a sexual creature.
    I’ve been sexually assaulted and groomed. I followed a self damaging path for nearly three years and I’ve just recently broken it. I used to send nude pictures and videos to disgusting old men just to feel accepted and loved. I was 13 when my mental innocence was ripped away from me. I was never touched nor raped. I’m still a virgin in body. But in mind? Nope.
    I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m just ranting at this point. I guess I needed a place with people who I felt would accept my interests. I know I’m a kid, and I’m sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable, but I need some guidance, a helping hand, a kind word, something.
    Love to all.

    • I really would like to respond to you, Liz, but I do have a couple of questions for you:

      1) When will you be 18 and

      2) What state do you live in?

      Humor me… 😉

      • Liz says:

        Ask whatever you need, by all means! I know it’s probably hella uncomfortable for adults to talk to a teenager about tough situations like this.
        1.) Less than two months from now, in early August.
        2.) A curious question. I live in Indiana, land of corn, soybeans, IndyCar, and legit nothing else.

      • I know it may seem strange, but there are some really weird people in the world right now and to be honest, I have to cover my butt — not from you, but to anyone who might see the post… for two reasons.

        1) On the front page of the site, I have a disclaimer that says “I am not the internet police. However, I recommend that you are 18 years or older before you browse my content.” Having said that, fret not — you’re not the first 17-year-old that has wandered into these murky waters. 😉 The first was actually on Fanfiction.

        2) Also, most of the premise of my story is based on a pedophile that victimizes young boys. That being the case, with the nature of the content of this conversation, I would be remiss not to double-check what the age of consent was in your state (and mine) to avoid anyone indicating that I was acting inappropriately with someone not of consenting age (forgive me–I quite old and can’t take any chances). Luckily, the age of consent in both our locales is 16.

        In light of that, I will try to provide appropriate answers without watering them down too much.

        You seem SO very mature and wise for your age and unfortunately, it appears that wisdom didn’t come easily. I’m certain your aren’t alone, but the past should remain in the past (as much as you can — I know that’s easier said than done) and it’s time to look forward to the future. About you being so far behind other teenagers, I would say don’t rush it. You’re so young and there’s so much to look forward to. Some flowers bloom a little later than others and your time will come.

        Are you going away to college? I would recommend getting involved in some groups that share your interests. In college, there simply has to be like-minded individuals that also love having debates and educated conversations about meaningful topics. You just have to put yourself out there and look for them — online, through a campus publication or bulletin board. And if you’re going to school locally, that’s even better, because you can go peruse the school now and see what groups and clubs they have to offer. Yes, you’re going to run into the party-ers who just want to have fun and drink and what have you. I would say have some fun, too, but do so responsibly and try to keep that to a minimum. Too much studying to do for medicine and law to be stoned and drunk all the time.

        “I’m a slightly chubby, redheaded, freckle-covered, blue-eyed, innocent looking white girl…” Yeah, so? I’m a fluffy black woman with gray hairs and grandchildren. Bet you wouldn’t expect to see ME perusing PornHub, FetLife, or Sharesome either, would you? But I do… and shamelessly! Who the hell cares what people think??? Explore away! How else are you going to know what you like and don’t like?

        I can’t really give you any advice on BDSM just because you are still very young and I think you should explore that avenue on your own.

        My biggest problem is you sending pictures and videos to pervs. That’s self-destructive behavior. Don’t do it. You may want to seek therapy for how you are feeling. If you don’t want to talk to the “Anastasia Grey Shrink” kind of therapist, then you may want to seek out group therapy with people who have been through what you’ve been through and are having the same kind of social difficulties that you’re facing right now. You can Google to find something or even make an anonymous Facebook page and browse the Facebook groups. You have to start somewhere. If you don’t, you’re going to be stuck here and that’s not good, right?

        I hope this helps some. ❤

      • Liz says:

        1 and 2) That makes perfect sense. I am so incredibly sorry for not thinking about any possible repercussions on your end! It is not my intention, at all, to put anyone in trouble or cause a ruckus. Please accept my apologies; sometimes my hands move a bit faster than my brain does.

        What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, I suppose. I’m blessed to have an amazing family (all of them are strong, beautiful women that are legit angels) to support me. My older sister was mentally and physically disabled at the age of two by a woman with too much anger in her heart, and I automatically kind of took on the role of “big little sister mom” once I was old enough to walk and talk. My maturity has gotten me to some pretty cool places though; I mean, not many people can say that President Obama replied to an email they sent him. It’s definitely my biggest treasure. But, you’re right, I need to stop worrying about being a bit of a late bloomer.

        I’m getting my GED out of the way starting in the winter, so that I have time to really decide what I want to do in life. Thank the stars for community college! But after I finish my GED classes, I’m definitely going to a university. Partying isn’t really my thing unless it involves a room full of cats, but I’ll find my little nerdy clique and try to branch out from there. I have some confidence that I’ll kick some booty once I really spread my wings.

        You remind me so much of my mom, and that’s a huge compliment. She tells me to just do my thing all the time, but it feels nice hearing it from a stranger and author that I personally look up to. Reading your authors notes at the start and end of each chapter really shows me how much of a strong woman you are, not to mention the fact that you’re taking time to reply to me really shows your compassion. The people in your life are really lucky to have you. I hope they notice that.

        I don’t blame you about the BDSM topic. I hope you didn’t feel obligated to help me and I apologize!

        Luckily, common sense came down from the Heavens, bestowed a rock hard upon my head, and screamed in my ear to wake the fuck up before I got in too deep and couldn’t crawl out. I spent some time in the psych ward after one situation got too dangerous, and I was put in tons of therapy after that. It’s been about two years or so since I last degraded myself. The odd thing is, I haven’t spoken about any of this with my therapist, but I’m open about it online. Ah well. I’ll get around to it if I really feel the need to tell her the harrowing tale.

        You’ve helped a lot, and I am so incredibly grateful. I honestly wish there were more people like you on Earth!

    • Isabel says:

      Girl, you are not alone. Reading this reminded of myself so much. When I was 17 I also had never had a first kiss, never danced with a boy, never had anything close to a fling. I’ve always been thick and I know stomping around in band T-shirt’s and doc martens probably was intimating to boys that age. I too would go online and have sexual conversations & interactions with men & send pictures in order to feel wanted and pretty. I too have been interested in and turned on by BDSM from a very young age. I too consider myself a feminist. Of course everyone’s journey and psyche is different, but a few extra years of life have taught me that all of those things can coexist, beautifully. You’ll get there babe. If nobody in your area is cool or interesting enough for you, fuck em. You meet so many people in college and I guarantee that some of them will be your people. Friends, lovers, maybe more. Don’t be ashamed of your kinks and sexuality cuz that makes you so special and cool! It took a while, but i was lucky enough to meet someone my age when I was 18 who I loved and who had similar sexual interests and we got to explore them together. Fast forward to a few years and I’ve met my master, and we are able to enjoy each other’s darkest kinks and built love and intimacy and trust (clearly on ongoing issue, but still). My point is, you are not alone. It sucks waiting but your time will come I PROMISE. I highly suspect that you are gorgeous and don’t know it. Your life is going to open up and so many beautiful fun amazing things will come in. Being in an environment where you’re learning about what you’re into (human sexuality, psych, medicine) will put you in a room with like minded people and so many opportunities to meet new people and learn about the world and make friends and find lovers. You’ll get there ♥️

      • Liz says:

        Thank you so, so very much for the kind words and empathy. I really needed some of that as of late. ♡

  38. yanique sharrier says:

    I am feeling really low, MISSING MY MOMMY. Depression coming in ,so much on my mind if mim was alive at least I’d have her to tell, not like I can talk with my step mother. Cant even vent to my partner cause I know he wont understand the shit in my head.

  39. falalalynx says:

    I didn’t think I could use this space. My troubles are mine. I didn’t want to bring anyone down. But I’m not okay.

    I keep thinking if I just don’t move I won’t hurt so much. It won’t be real. I’ll finally wake up. I burrow my face back into my pillow and force myself back to sleep. This only worked until my arthritus started screaming at me.

    So in trying to distract myself I started rereading Raising Grey. This was kind of working. It took me two days to buck up and read through the Liam/Madrid darkness. I didn’t want to face anymore pain. But I completely lost it when I got to “The Last Lemonade” with Aunt Tina.

    I felt the timing was wrong. My Goddess had suffered a terrible blow. Mine was nothing compared to hers.

    But then as I’m reading through the replies I see it’s January of this year and there is my mention of losing my wonderful fur baby and half of my ying yang team. My happy place where I escape the real world was suffering loses right and left, not just myself.

    I learned of your loss on a Thursday my Goddess. Oh Sunday I loss the other half of my fur baby ying yang team. My sweet black kitty has joined her white sister dog. They are now angel babies forever without pain. I found her on side of the house when she didn’t come back to the door like she usually did. Black cats aren’t actually black in sunlight. It was a blow to my psyche when I saw this beautiful sable fur lying in the green grass. I did what I had to do and wrapped her up and my son came over and helped me bury her next to her sister dog in my back yard. She had never stopped looking for her sister dog in all these months. She would cry mournfully. Nothing consoled her. She finally found her way to her.

    I wasn’t prepared to be the only living soul in the house. I knew I would miss her but I didn’t know I would feel so alone. I keep hearing her. Crazy right? No one to share my bed. No one sitting on the arm of my chair. No one to find sitting on the patio table waiting to be let back in. No more cat zoomies all around the yard. No one to love on. The silence is killing me.

    Anxiety has driven me from the house on several occasions. One day I went and got gas for the lawnmower. hmmm I didn’t need gas for the lawnmower. The library, the bank, the grocery store, but nothing covers this pain. Yeah I’m not okay. I miss my fuzzy babies so much. I want to be with them. I have no one to love on, to take care of. There’s no reason for me.

    • My Beloved Falala,

      In my feeble attempt to get back to normal, I came to my happy place (here) to see what may have been going on with my people and I see this tragic news. I’m so sorry to hear about your other fur baby. As I said before, I would be devastated if something happened to my Meeko. I know this has been difficult for you losing both fur babies in such a short period of time. I can definitely empathize having lost one of my little brothers and my mother within five months of each other.

      That is to say that I sincerely take your loss very seriously. I wish I had some profound words that could make this better, but I’m honestly still suffering myself, so the perfect words evade me right now. I will say this, though. You are one of the most loving, kind, caring people that I’ve never met in person, and that’s honestly on my bucket list to meet you because I have rarely seen people who have a heart like yours and I think it would be a huge injustice for me to deny myself the privilege of meeting you one day.

      I want you to know that there is always someone or something to love, and you have such a huge capacity to do just that that I don’t want you to ever feel like there is “no reason” for you and that there is no one “to love on or to take care of.” You are freshly hurting and I know that it will take a long while before you can let anything or anyone into your heart that way again right now if ever again, but I feel that while it is so sad and tragic that you don’t have your fur babies, that it would equally—if not more—sad and tragic if you allowed your enormous capacity to love to die or lay dormant for too long. I know I need you, if that means anything.

      Seriously, I do.

    • I felt funny hitting the “like” star on this status, but I wanted you to know that I saw it and I empathize with what you’re feeling.

    • seralynsmom says:

      Oh falalala, don’t be discouraged. As BG said, there is always something or someone for you to love. I hope this doesn’t offend, but I have a friend who’s daughter lost her lovey at the beginning of this year as well. Her daughter is on the spectrum, she has Aspergers, and the kitty was for her anxiety. They ended up going out and getting her a new fur baby. Buffy is their little chihuahua mix dog they adopted and it truly helped my friend’s daughter get through. A new fur baby doesn’t replace the ones we lose (idk if you know this but we recently lost one too, also a black kitty. His name was Mita and was my daughter’s best friend and we miss him everyday) it just gives us another soul to love and to care for. There are so many cats and dogs in kill shelters that are just waiting for someone like you. Someone with such a kind, gentle, and generous heart to love them in the way they were meant to be loved. It’s just something for you to think about. It won’t stop you from missing your love, but perhaps will help you miss them a little less. Don’t give up hope. Remember that you’re cared for, even if it is by we complete strangers over the Internet. I’m sorry for your loss.

      Your friend, Ashley

    • Dee says:

      My hearts breaks for you. May God give you peace. You are in my prayers Falala.

    • Stuart says:

      Dearest Falala,

      I am so so so sorry for your loss and I can only begin to imagine the grief you are feeling because of losing your yin yang team. I agree with BG that you are really kind and caring and nothing but sweet to everyone. You have always brought me a smile when I read your messages to me and I know that it must really hurt you to smile right now but I only wish I am able to bring some kind of relief to you.

      I am sending lots of hugs for you dearie and I hope I really hope you feel better soon, not right now, not tomorrow but when you’re ready. And till then, I’ll wait to hear from you. I wish I could send all the care that you so generously give away when you interact here. You’re an angel soul Falala and I hope the angels help you with your loss. Hugs!

    • Stuart says:

      Hi Falala,

      Just checking in on you, please take care of yourself dear..

  40. Lori says:

    Falala and Goddess,
    Your grief, although very different, is taking a profound toll on both of you. Goddess, I don’t know if you had the scene with Elliot breaking down already written, but is certainly is very appropriate. Allow yourself time to grieve but then move on to the happy memories. I worked as a child psychologist for many years and found the children were able to temper their grief by talking about happy memories of their loved one, whether it was a grandparent or a pet. You will laugh again but there will always be a special place in your heart that cannot be replaced. Like Val, I miscarried a very wanted baby at 4 months and, although it’s been 2 decades, the pain and grief came back when I read this. Certain things will hit both of you out of the blue when you least expect it but you will survive it and good memories will prevail.
    Hugs, love and empathy😘
    Lori

  41. seralynsmom says:

    Can I just say, when it rains it pours and it’s been pouring on me and my husband for over a year now. It always seems that as soon as we get out of one hole another opens up. There’s so many things we have to worry about right now and not enough money to take care of most of it but the biggest thing at the moment is my FIL. He had another stroke over the weekend and this time it was bad. Left artery clogged, possible brain surgery to fix. Facial droop, inability you really talk. And with my husband in the middle of healing from his own medical crisis (he had a polinidal-I think that’s right- cyst the got so infected he nearly turned septic within days and had a week long hospital stay only to find out he’s a diabetic-which I told him was likely but…) it’s just too much all at once. It certainly doesn’t help my depression and anxiety not knowing what’s going to happen and worrying about what’s going to hit us next. I’m just so tired mentally right now, my husband is tired mentally right now, and I just need something to give.

    • Jesus, Ashley!!! That’s a lot to chew! It looks like 2019 has been a sucky year for a lot of us. I told Daddy yesterday that I just need a damn do-over for the whole fucking year! God, I wish I could say something that could make this better for you. I’m sorry to hear about your FIL and husband. I will pray for you and your depression and anxiety, though. You’ve got to be able to hold it together or else everything is a wash! Love you… mean it…

    • falalalynx says:

      Ash,

      Let’s all together now wave bubye to 2019. And hope for a better year to come. Ash please please take time for you and ‘not think’ about all this, a mental health moment. You need this. At least once a day. Five minutes for just you. I swear when it rains it pours. You will be on my mind now so please do check back in often and let us know how things are going. {{{{{{{{ HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}} XXXXXXXXX’s Falala

      • seralynsmom says:

        Finding a moment is easier said than done unfortunately, but I’ll try. Hopefully things will begin to look up in 2020. I’m definitely ready for 2019 to be over

  42. jjgray61 says:

    😯😱 WOW!!!! Never saw that coming.

  43. jjgray61 says:

    😯😱 WOW!!!!! Did not see that happening.

  44. Leago Pooe says:

    Hi everyone. I hope you are all staying safe during this period.
    Our country’s situation is worsening and we are all in quarantine.
    ♥️♥️♥️Love and light

  45. Sheila Tems says:

    It is a scary time, and I am doing my best not to get too overwhelmed… All my love to ALL of you reading, and especially BG, our illustrious Goddess for writing, and lighting our way!!!!

    • Thank you, my friend. I wasn’t too scared at first because I was (still am) following directions and doing what I’m supposed to do, but now, I’m scared for us all. It’s really getting to me.

      • Sheila Tems says:

        Thank you for taking the time to write back. I apologize for not responding more quickly…
        I am one of those in a field that is considered essential, so I am thankful I have the benefit of still leading a “fairly normal” life whilst all of this has been going on… I admit, if I couldn’t have gone to work (and my S.O. too for that matter since he’s on second shift and I am one first I most definitely would be TOTALLY BONKERS!!!! more than I am… LOL 🙂 ) since all of the shit realy hit the fan.
        I am SO happy to hear that your fam is on the mend… I have a few family members that worry me… My oldest sister just DOES NOT GET the social distancing thing AT ALL!!! She is used to her way, what she thinks, is the law, so she’s having a hard time why her son is keeping her at arms length from himself and the grandkids… I think she may forget we worry because of her medical history (multiple boughts of cancer, meds that have compromised her breathing…) Then add to that, she’s always inviting another sister over to hang out. The one works in a grocery!!! A true frontline worker! Sis #2 realizes she is being exposed possibly and gets the risks, so she only will go by to hang outside if its nice enough a distance away… I think #1 sister thinks she’s being nice by hosting because #2 recently divorced and is totally on her own? All I know is that it makes me worry.

  46. Sanjana says:

    Hello. I don’t know if anyone will read this. Thought I would try this out. I have been feeling terribly lonely these days. Even though I am surrounded by family. I convinced myself that I don’t really need people, friends, family anybody because there is nothing but heartbreak there. But now I sort of miss having that special connection with someone I can talk to about anything. But I don’t have anyone. I can’t talk to my parents. They see me as this cold hearted bitch who really doesn’t care about anything but myself. I know I am not like that. I love so much that it’s physically painful and it scares it might destroy me if I love someone so much, so I keep it to myself. I am sorry about all this rambling. Just wanted to put it out there.

    • You have to take a chance and put yourself out there, darling. If you’re afraid to love and get close to people, you’re always going to be lonely. What happened to make you feel this way? How long have you felt like this? There’s always a chance that you’re going to get hurt, Sweetheart. It’s part of being human. The only other option is how you’re feeling right now, and that’s not good.

      Don’t worry about “rambling” on this thread. That’s why it’s here. Talk all you want, it’s fine. ❤

      • Sanjana says:

        Thanks BG. I guess I have always felt this way. As long as I can remember. I used trust everyone I meet and then give it my all. I would inevitably set up myself for disappointment and hurt. But I still never gave up on people. But in the last five years I fell into deep depression. It was so bad I don’t really remember much of last five years. It’s all very hazy. When I needed someone to just tell me it’s going to be ok and recognize how much I was suffering. But nobody came to my help. Even when I told my parents that I wasn’t feeling like myself. I started failing my classes. Even if I know everything, I couldn’t get the energy to write my exams. I hardly went to college and attended classes. But even then my parents just called me lazy and stupid and my supposed friends and family pretended everything was fine. Until I had to drastic measures, then my parents gave in and sent me to a therapist and he finally diagnosed me with clinical depression and anxiety. I remember I just cried for two hours in his office. But I am much stronger now and know how to handle situations, people, failure but the whole ordeal left me very disappointed with everyone in my life. How can I possibly trust someone and let them in?

      • You can only take the chance or you’ll never know. Are you on any medication for your depression? I only had to take meds as needed for my depression and luckily, I was able to get it under control. I’m having a bout with it now, but I know that it’s triggered by the quarantine and not being able to see my babies and my grandbabies. There’s a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel for me, but for you, if you’ve been diagnosed clinically depressed then it should be easier to talk to your parents since they know that your behavior is not just “lazy” and “heartless.” If not, then you may need to join a support group of some kind–virtual (they’re everywhere). I’m sorry, I don’t know how to direct you in letting people in because I’m out of my area of knowledge on that because I like people… I trust them until they give me a reason not to. And if they do, then I brush off my shoulders and like Jesus said, “Shake the dust off your feet” and move on. But if you don’t find a way to open up and let people in, you’re going to stay lonely. Talk to your therapist about it.

    • Sheila Tems says:

      I think BG gave you some great advice. Please listen.
      I will also add… Trusting is hard, it takes opening your heart, but be aware that at this point it seems other people also will need to try to trust you as well, so think of their hearts as well as your own. Remember what you gave them the past, and how it made them feel. The person you showed to them before may have been completely different, so show them the person you are now. And, they may be different people as well. Maybe it’s time to make NEW relationships with some people you’ve known for a while 🙂

  47. Sheila Tems says:

    I am happy you feel that way 🙂 Please know I am hearing you, and I am sure many others are always here to HEAR YOU…, We not not always talk back, but WE DO HEAR YOU! WE CARE XOXO
    I will try to be around much as possible… btw where has falala been in the last few, or have I missed something?

    • The last time I saw a post from Falala was two days ago. She said she was having a problem with her phone. I don’t like it when we don’t hear from her. 😦

      • Sheila Tems says:

        I noticed her absence as well…. Hopefully it is phone issues and they will be resolved and we’ll hear from her again soon! Well wishes, thoughts and prayers to all and for all XOXOXO Stay safe everyone!

  48. I am still feeling very unhappy and unsettled. I know a lot is because of this “staying at home” and I am used to being out with friends and family. I guess I am missing my sisters and the time we always make for each other. I miss the laughter and even the tears. Who I miss the most is my Mama! She is in a care facility because she has Alzheimers. She is on lock down. I can talk to her on the phone or outside her window which I did during Easter. We said our prayers together, sang, and I brought my pup, Piper up to see her. What I miss is hugging her? I know I sound like a big baby (and I have tears rolling down my face), but I miss my Mom! She’s only a few miles from me, but it feels like she is clear across the world. I will never take a hug for granted ever again. I physically hurt because I miss her so much! I know that the day is coming that she won’t remember me and I will have to watch her slip away mentally. I have to admit, it scares the hell out of me! I am scared for her. Will she be afraid not knowing who people are or where she is at? Will her mind be blank and how does that happen? Where do the memories go? Will the memories be given back to her when she meets Jesus? Will she feel and know pain as her body breaks down? Will she understand? I feel helpless. I can’t save her. I can ask for a little more time with her and cherish that time.
    Thank you for letting me vent! Take care of yourselves and your loved ones!
    God Bless!

    • Hello my dear,

      First, let me apologize for taking so long to respond. I happened to be going through my spam messages and (le gasp!) there you were.

      You’re not silly or a baby at all for missing your mom. Even though she’s a few miles away, it can feel like another country if you can’t touch her. As you may know, my mommy passed away last September, so if missing mommy makes you a baby, than I’m an EMBRYO! I miss her so much some days that I can barely breathe and I have grandchildren.

      I can empathize with all the pain that you’re feeling–missing hanging out with and spending time with the people that you love. It really aches, and I understand it completely. I’m sending you a big, warm hug and hopefully some encouragement to stay strong while we figure out what this new “normal” is going to be when this is all said and done.

      God bless you, darling, and stay safe out there! ❤

      • Thank you Bronzy! Your words of encouragment are soul strengthening. And, I appreciate the warm hug! I hope you are doing well. I do remember that you had lost your Mama and my heart still aches for you. Maybe together and with the rest of our shared cyber friends, we all can get through this together!
        You take care of you and know that I pray for your comfort.
        With the Love of Jesus as Our Savior, May God bless you always,
        Ang

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