Do You Need To Talk?

Hello BronzeGoddessvillers,

It used to be BronzeGoddessvillians, but that sounded like you were all my minions for evildoing, so I changed it (there’s that squirrel again… I digress).

My story deals a lot with mental issues, anxiety, depression, even suicide (Edward David, although he just did it because he was a coward), postpartum issues, menopause, etc. I’m very happy to see that people connect with one another on these issues, but I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t realize it was so rampant. I, too, have felt like I was in this little bubble and I just had to deal with it.

Seeing all of the posts from the last chapter, I felt like I had to do something about it. I couldn’t just ignore the fact that there were so many of my readers having the same problems that I was. My first impulse was to create some kind of support group. The only problem was that support groups need some kind of platform—like Facebook—and not everybody is on Facebook, not to mention that there is absoposilutelytively NO TIME in my schedule to monitor a group or expand social media to that effect.

But I still couldn’t ignore the issue.

A lot of people comment on my story and not everyone is dealing with mental illness or some kind of issue like that, so unfortunately, not everyone wants to read those comments. However, I know first hand that people need to have someplace where they can talk about this, and you guys seem to feel comfortable talking over here… AND APPARENTLY THERE’S A LOT OF US… SERIOUSLY! 

So, this is our thread.

This thread is specifically for those of us who wish to discuss those issues we are going through and those who are sympathetic to our plight. This way, if someone sees a comment, issue, or question in this thread or along these lines that they don’t want to get involved in, they don’t have to, but those who want to partake in this mini-support-thread can please feel free to do so.

THREE RULES:

NUMBER ONE: This is not just about mental illness. I’ve discovered that my readers have been dealing with chemotherapy, dialysis, horrible divorce, my husband died, my family’s nuts, I want to come out of the closet, fill in the blank. You got something on your chest, let’s talk.

NUMBER TWO: This is not just for women. I know that I have some male readers even though they may not be that verbal all the time. Come on over, kick of your shoes, pull up a seat, and let it go.

NUMBER THREE: This is the most important one…

THIS IS A JUDGMENT-FREE ZONE! If I see anyone saying anything cruel, mean, judgemental, or disparaging to anyone or about any plight in this thread or using this thread to take any kind of cheap shots, I will give you “das boot” faster than you can finish typing your comment. 

Let’s see if we can use this thread to uplift one another, and those who don’t wish to take part, it’s okay. I totally understand. If you felt before like you didn’t have a voice, we want to hear your voice here.

Welcome to the Band-Aid Thread.

~~love and handcuffs

 

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114 thoughts on “Do You Need To Talk?

  1. Sherree says:

    How very thoughtful of you! This is so cool to know that there are other people who truly care about the troubled among us.
    Bless you.

  2. seralynsmom says:

    Love this. It’s nice to have places to go to talk out stuff sometimes. I have friends, my husband, but I’m sure I burn them out occasionally. It’s that time of the year again, when the blues hit and everything seems to take a nose dive and I want to do nothing and it takes me going “listen here you, you will get up and do things that need to be done because they need to be done!!” I believe they call it the winter woes? I know there’s other names for it. Seasonal depression is one too. Add this on top of my anxiety and EVERYTHING that can go wrong going wrong and it makes for an Ashley that just wants to cover my head, bury myself in time bed, and not get out until spring. Can’t do that though. So venting.

    Like, the fact that my husband works for a company that treats him like shit and he’s ready to quit but has no fallback in order to be able to and his stress is adding to my stress and I feel guilty all the time because I can’t do anything to help lift the burden. *whispers* and the one thing I could do, I don’t want to. That’s get another job. I mean, right now it’s not logistically possible anyway, but if it were I still wouldn’t want to because I enjoy being able to stay home and not have my kid in aftercare T school all the time, or in a daycare. As much as she drives me bonkers sometimes, I still love spending time with her. So what can I really do except try to be supportive but it’s like nothing helps. He just works for a shitty shitty place with no end in sight right now.

    So there’s my woes. I figured maybe if I shared someone else might be so inclined as well and could see what a relief it is to vent sometimes. 🙂

    • Sherree says:

      Staying home with your child is a sacrifice everyone will appreciate. Not to mention the most difficult job in the world!
      I hope relief comes your way soon but don’t forget that child is what’s important.

      • seralynsmom says:

        She’s always first and foremost for both me and my husband, it’s just been a lot to hit us all at once these last few months so it’s hard not to get anxious.

    • Honestly, most people who have some form of mental illness are also seasonal depressants. It totally has to do with the shorter days and lack of sunlight. I’m a basket case after “fall back” until “spring forward,” you know what I mean?

      • seralynsmom says:

        Yeah. It takes a lot for me just to want to get up in the mornings during these months.

      • MichelleCheri’ says:

        Totally hitting me as we move from fall to winter and the time change. I am always feeling it take an extreme amount of energy to do anything these days and I LOVE the Christmas season so much.

      • Yes! Same here. I used to dread Christmas because of the snow, and then I moved somewhere where it doesn’t snow anymore. But then the days are still shorter. So, I tolerate this season by decorating for the whole season. I decorate Christmas at Christmas, when New Year’s comes, decorate for New Years. When Valentine’s Day comes, I’ll decorate for Valentines Day. And when Valentine’s Day is over, I decorate with flowers and things to welcome spring. So that by the time spring time gets here I’ve done everything I can to combat seasonal depression.

      • Cabtaken says:

        I have to say a huge thanks to you BG! I am the mother that just lost her son, and we did a go fund me to get him a burial. She was very nice to have the readers see our request.
        We just came back from Dallas, TX were he was laid to rest. The service the travel our stay there was all so very nice! And was due to many supporters! And while this part has been finally done. It seems like another door has opened. I am truly a very happy person. However, now I’m just so sad. I cry at the very small things… But to add insult to injury when the family arrived back home to Seattle, I went to get on an airport shuttle can to take us back to our car. I usually sit up front as it is hard for me to get in the back. Well there was another lady that was also very large and older that got into the front. So I of course had to to go to the back. The driver parked a bit away from the curb there was no step to help to get in. So my husband was behind me helping me up in, I went to lift myself in on my left knee and we all heard a crack! My knee gave way and I screamed, I broke my knee and went back on my husband in pain! I was rushed to the hospital. Later I’m in a full leg splint. Dr said that it looks that I ruptured my Patella Tendon! I just had knee replacement in my right knee. I see a surgeon on Wednesday, to have a MRI and see if they will just replace my left.
        Oh but the hits keep coming… I fall going to the bathroom, and bruise the same knee the next morning. Then let’s make this better, my poor husband couldn’t get me off the floor by himself. So we had to call 911 again to get me up! Talk about my fragile state… I am literally a shake from falling apart. I am just so, so tired!

      • @Cabtaken–Hey Darling!!! I just saw that your response went to spam and I had to go in there and get it. When it rains, it pours, huh? Have you been back to the doctor yet? Jesus, too many spills on that leg, my love. TRY to be careful (I suffer from very bad knees, too, I know your pain). I’m glad that the services went as smooth as could be expected under the circumstances. I am praying for you, my friend. I hope everything goes okay. Please keep me posted either here or on Facebook with your progress. I’m going to be SO concerned about you and I’ll check on you over there, too!!

    • sharong1969 says:

      Sometimes just getting it out makes a lot of difference. Staying at home to raise your child instead of letting strangers raise your child is very admirable.

  3. Ginger says:

    Sending everyone positive thoughts and prayers!
    I’m desperately searching for the encyclopedia of how to live with your Senior Parent. What was supposed to be a temporary thing became permanent. I find myself as my mother’s mother in a roll reversal where I often find myself quoting her words of wisdom from the last 40 years back to her.
    Her health has gone from bad to worst. I’m exhausted. I don’t have a life. I get 3 weeks of vacation a year. I’ve exhausted all of it on her this year. Between surgery and doctors appointments. I am beyond grateful that I still have a job.
    When is it my turn to live?

    • Lovesfiftyshades says:

      Ginger, When I read that BG was doing this my first thought was I probably would not have anything to contribute. Then I read your story. I’m sad to say, you are facing a common problem these days. Our parents are living longer and often are not able to care for themselves independently. I see it as a nurse and I’ve lived it with friends and most importantly, I’ve walked the road myself with my and my husband’s parents. I honestly believe it is the most difficult thing adults face. It is so hard to turn the tables and “parent your parent”. All our parents have passed away now and sometimes, I’m ashamed to say, when I hear my friends struggling with their own parent, a small voice in the back of my mind says, thank you Lord I am over that and they are all with you now. All that to say, I don’t believe any parent would want their adult child to sacrifice their own lives to take care of the parent. If you have the means and physical, emotional and mental stamina to do it; go for it. BUT IF YOU DON’T, it’s okay to ask for help. Your close friends, your church family, other relatives and hired assistance are some ways to go. If it is a situation where your mom is too much for you to care for at home, there is no shame in seeking assisted living and/or a skilled nursing facility. My dad actually thrived in a skilled nursing facility when my mom was no longer able to care for him after he had a debilitating stroke. It sounds like you have to work, as did I and it sounds as if you are alone as you walk this road. I hope and pray you have support from family and/or friends. No one has yet written the encyclopedia but there are tons of books out there that discuss the role reversal and caring for/living with senior parents. Sometimes just talking to someone else who is in your same shoes helps. My thoughts are with you as you navigate this winding road. Remember to take care of yourself. Prayers for your journey. ❤

    • Esther Williams says:

      Ginger I use to work in an assisted living community and I also help my husband with his father when he was diagnosed with stage two dementia. He lived with us for a while it was hard with two boys and we both work so I understand your pain. But what I can tell you is ask around your community to see if she might qualify for home health assistance. But I do know that God will not put no more on you then what you can bear. I will keep you in my prayers.

      • Ginger says:

        Amen! So true. That and our recent move is what is giving me strength! We are changing insurance and looking into that as well. She will be 79 and can’t see why her body won’t function for her like it did 20 years ago.

    • Sherree says:

      Ginger, My thoughts and prayers are with you too. May God bless you.

    • I’m not taking care of an elderly parent, but I know of many who are. You are somehow going to have to find some time for yourself or you are going to burn ALL THE WAY OUT. Do you have any kind of support system that can come over and give you a break for a day? I know it sounds impossible, but it is SO necessary.

      • Ginger says:

        Lynn I can’t thank you enough for this thread. In my mind, I was the only one with this problem and no one could relate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this forum!

      • You’re so welcome, my dear. I’m so, so happy that people are using it to voice concerns and get support. I was concerned that no one would want to participate. It really does my heart a lot of good. ❤

    • Dee says:

      Ginger, check with a local home health agency to see if your parent qualifies for services, if so, then the primary care doctor can order it and get in touch with a home health agency that you approve. Also if your parent is on Medicaid check with the social security office to see if they have a waiver program. This is a service that sends aid to help with daily living skills such as giving baths etc. They even do respite to give you some relief and time to yourself. Social services at any hospital will be able to give you a list of resources. God Bless

  4. Debbie says:

    Thank you Lynn. This is a wonderful.
    Sometimes we get so caught up in our own minds, that we can’t figure out how to deal with an issue plaguing us. This gives a platform in a place we are already comfortable in. Something said here may help someone having a hard time. It also helps let us know we are not alone.
    You have created another good thing.
    Bless you, Lynne

  5. KJ says:

    As a mental health nurse it is so good to see this. The biggest hurdle for most is to acknowledge there is an issue in the first place, and second, willingly talk about the issue. So to find a platform where people are willing to share is great.

  6. Elisabeth says:

    This is amazing 💗 you are amazing 💜

  7. Esther Williams says:

    Thank you Goddess for caring enough to help us to up lift each in our time of need. You Goddess are a gift from God.

  8. Camille Henley says:

    Thank again Goddess! You have given us an outlet to just talk about “ME” and what I’m facing everyday. An outlet to see others who’re going through the same . In additional to receiving such wonderful supporting words almost just wants to make you cry.. One of the reader reminded me that “God never put more on us than we can bear” sometimes we just needs to be reminded. These past two years has been extremely difficult for myself and family…. I will share that my Faith has kept me from going crazy. My hope has given me the outlet to focus on today and not tomorrow…

    Everyday I tell myself that the storm will past and the light will show up. Perhaps next time I can give more details, but right now I just need to cry because crying for some strange reason release so much pain and sometime bitterness. I will never allow the devil to steal my sanity and makes or force me to be an evil bitter woman. I just can’t and I won’t. I know that I’m all over the place. Life just feels like a roller coaster. My prayers are with every ones that’s going through their struggle. Please know the storm will be past… We just have to be patient and obedience .
    Love You All. Lets just keeping praying for everyone.

    Goddess You’re our Angel- Please know that we love you and are so grateful that your family allows you to give us so much of yourself…

  9. Just another reason to respect and appreciate the Goddess….Always giving us a voice. Thank you

  10. sharong1969 says:

    I love that you are so invested in your followers. I appreciate you caring. I think this is a great idea. We all need somewhere we can connect, inquire about our issues/problems, reach out or just vent maybe. So many times we feel we are alone on an island with our issue and how nice this will be to maybe find that one person going through something very similar and this place will give us that opportunity for a connection and help. So thank you. You truly are THE BRONZE GODDESS!! And let’s be honest here… we really are your loyal minions 😜🤪

  11. Sherree Watkins says:

    This is totally anonymous right? My family won’t see what i post?

    Sent from my iPad

  12. bichonmomma says:

    Lovely gesture for your fans. We have all heard that we don’t understand till we walk a mile in someone else shoes. How very true. Depression, dissertion, divorce, medical issues, death and a multitude of things could happen to us and it is often hard to keep your head up when it occurs. I am glad that your fans feel comfortable to express themselves. If this group can help a single person then it is so worth it. Hopefully it will offer the support and kindness so many people need.

  13. Tina says:

    I cannot understand why some people need to be so nasty and judgemental about people who have mental issues. We all have problems some time or other. Before my husband passed away he changed. When I first met him I wouldn’t have put him down to be an abuser he was always loving kind and a gentleman. As years went by he started to become controling not letting me see my family or friends and it got worse as the years went on. I think you write what is going on every day to mostly every body and I enjoyed reading your stories. When is the next chapter up pretty Pleeeeeeeezeeeee!

  14. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  15. Sweetie Pie (henceforth - Stuart :) says:

    I’ve finally chosen my pseudonym – Stuart!

    I’ve written, deleted and rewritten my message here numerous times in the past few days. Unfortunately, I find that I’m still not ready to talk about it.

    So I thought i’ll only drop in to say hi and that you are wonderful BG and that someday, I hope I will find the strength to talk about it without letting it tear me apart.

    Here’s to that hope and lots of hugs to all you guys! xoxo

  16. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  17. Norma says:

    Just finished reading the latest chapter. It brought back a memory of when my father passed. The funeral home did a horrible job with his hair and somehow gave him a smirk. We couldn’t fix his mouth and it took some doing to take his hair. I feel Harmony’s pain.

    • Someone once told me they had to do their mother’s hair, nails, and makeup and I thought it was a one-off. Then my other mother in Detroit passed away in July and when I went back to the funeral, one of my sisters–the hairdresser–told me that she did her hair, and she did a fantastic job! So, I learned that it really happens first hand. 😥

      • sheila says:

        OMG! My aunt passed away… the youngest and last of my mother’s sisters. She was always gorgeous, caught many stares from men and mean glances and side-eyes from women… She WAS a beautiful woman, so I WAS SHOCKED enough with her death, BUT when I saw how she was presented!!!! My heart BROKE!!!! If she had known… if she knows!!!! Apparently my Aunt’s step daughter just pulled whatever out of the closet… didn’t bother to REALLY think about her! I was in SHOCK!!! Even my uncle said some words in passing about how he wished us girls had been involved (I am the youngest of my my mother’s 4 girls (he meant us, and maybe a few cousins), my mother was the oldest sister (of 8 children total, this uncle in line was number two, my mom was 3, if you even need to know… this aunt was THE BABY, the youngest and THE BABY GIRL of their family and he was the oldest sibling and is still living… I hope that makes sense)… Anyway, it looked like she didn’t even bring a BRA!!! SO my aunt’s ample breasts (yes, natural) and maybe needed a little help…of course they do, who’s don’t like to lie down and fall in your armpits with no support?!?!?… ANYWAY she/they should have been presented the way she always did… and her hair was never matronly, and she always had makeup that was prominent, but not over the top, BUT STYLISH!!! I really wonder if the proprietors of that funeral home even had pictures to look at… and if they didn’t when they were working on her, then did they not see they slide show that was on several screens around the viewing room…. AND WHY COULDN’T I get over my own shit to find someone and SAY SOMETHING to make it right!?!?!?! I was selfish instead and made a comment to my niece that she was to make sure my boobs were presented correctly, and I at least had eyeliner and lashes in case something happened to me… sigh… I kinda hate myself a little… I am thinking I just didn’t want to be in the head of her being gone, so since I didn’t really recognize that person it wasn’t real? I don’t know… I always over analyze everything…

      • I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. I’m praying for strength for your family. It sounds like her stepdaughter was a real hateful pill… forgive me if I’m wrong.

  18. Gemini says:

    I wrote a very LOOONNNNGGG post, on this thread, when you posted Chapter 64. I have no clue why it didn’t go through. I guess I’ll try to post it again, later 😦

    • I check “junk” and “deleted” and see if it got misrouted…

      • Gemini says:

        I just retyped it. Hopefully it goes through this time. If not, here it is:

        I am in an internal debate on what to do about my husband/marriage. We’ve been married for 18 years. I was 19, he was 22 when we met. We have two children (ages 12 & 14). He has an older daughter who is 26. He’s NEVER paid child support. He grew up in a single parent home. His mother was too busy whoring herself instead of being a mom. I grew up with both of my parents. My granny warned me about him while we were dating. She said he was jealous of me and possessive. His own mother even warned me about him. She told me he was verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive…..and he is. To date, I’ve dished out $12K on his child support issues (a child who is not mine, but I’ve been in her life since she was 2). He feels this is what I should have done. We were separated for 4 years because he had to move back to Michigan and serve house arrest. I dumbly let him come back because I didn’t want my children to be a statistic (broken black family). I worked 2 jobs the entire time he was gone, lost our house to foreclosure (cause I paid his legal fees), had both of our cars repossessed (his car was in my name because i had the better credit). He moved back in 2013 and it’s still no better. It’s WORSE. He quit his job (April 2019 will be 2 years he’s been out of work) saying he wanted to start his own business, but it’s really cause he was tired of the child support coming out of his paychecks. I. AM. TIRED. He’s a pot head. He used to hack into my computer to check my emails, etc…I started logging out of everything. He feels entitled and I’ve enabled him all these years. My health has declined dealing with his issues. He has a terrible temper and I’d have to call the cops on him to get him to leave (I have several friends from high school who are cops). He hates living where we live and constantly complains. I take care of my 88 y/o grandmother so leaving the state is NOT an option, yet. He complains about everything. Even our children are sick of him. My children, especially my son are in turmoil cause they are tired of him, yet they want him to do right. I would need him out of the state. I’ve thought about contacting MI again, to come get him. He goes to FB and complains about me whenever he’s pissed. He’s very juvenile. He did not support me when I was in Grad school (I graduated in 2011). He just barely graduated from high school and feels the need to constantly talk down about my education (the white man makes the black woman feel she does not need a man when he makes her salary higher than the black mans, blah, blah). I’m beyond tired, but I’m afraid. I need him out of the state, otherwise he’d harass me (come by the house, my job, etc.). He would not care about a restraining order. He has nowhere to go. His own mom does not want him back at her house. He’s burned the bridge between he and his dad a looooonnnng time ago. His dad is another topic. His dad is my minister. I went to him, for help, when my house was in foreclosure in 2011 and he did nothing (that’s another post). He’s said horrible things to me. He once told me if I left him he hopes my new man gives me aids and I die. I have emails/texts where he says crazy stuff. He’s a manipulator and he brags about being one. He’s your typical asshole. Sorry this was so long. I am in the process of cleaning up my credit to get another house. The foreclosure is no longer on my credit report. I want him gone before I find another house. I feel bad for him, but he’s also a grown man. I’ve enabled him long enough. He’s not a good role model for our son or daughter. Again, I’m sorry this was so long.

      • Lorraine says:

        Never apologise for saying how you feel, you sound like a very strong woman and a good mum, you’ve tried to make things work with this man and have put up with a lot, he clearly doesn’t deserve you, it sounds as if enough is enough, a restraining order might not mean much to him but if he breaks it the law will step in and do something, you shouldn’t have to move to get away from him, maybe ask your friends if they know of any free services that could help you, even maybe just someone you could talk to. You and your family deserve a stress free life, don’t allow this arse to drag you down, he’s not worth it. Stay strong.
        Regards
        Lorraine

  19. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  20. Vamomoftwins says:

    Your story is a respite for me. My adult 25 yr old son battles with mental illness. He is bipolar, has severe anxiety and hears voices. He also has epilepsy and gastroparsis. Everyday is a struggle. It’s either depression weighing him down or he is manic and all over the place. That is when you really have to be on your game with him. When he is manic he has energy and that’s when he will try to kill himself. The last time was a year ago he I found him hanging from our staircase. Luckily, I got him down in time but now I can’t leave him alone. In September he comes off my insurance and that even scares me more. He is on a lot of medication and has bimonthly visits to the emergency room for seizures or his stomach. Nobody in my family understands mental illness and thinks it’s something you can just get over. Thanks for listening, it’s good to get it off my chest

  21. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  22. I am a mess. I often feel depressed and think of ending my life. I am in college and haven’t passed a single class since I started college. The lies that I tell my family about doing well in school, and getting back my financial aid keep snowballing. My home life is not the best. The house is a mess, my parents and older sister constantly argue. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle.

    I am a lazy person and a liar. I want to change the way I am, but I find it difficult to. I wish I could just end it all. I feel like all the happiness I get is from my phone because I have no friends. I am 20 years old and I have goals. I want to work for the government. I want to have a family of my own. But the way I am makes that not possible.

    I just wish I could escape.

    • Rosemarie, I’ve been where you are more than once in my life if for different reasons. The first thing you need to do is seek some counseling because it’s definitely not a good place to be, especially when you say that you feel like ending it all. I learned from not giving up that as long as you’re alive, it can be fixed… but once you’re gone, nothing can be fixed because it’s all over. 😦

      You also need to think hard about what you want in your life. You said that you want to work for the government. In what capacity? What exactly would you like to do? In order for you to achieve this goal, is it absolutely necessary for you to have a college degree?

      Have you thought about why you’re failing out of college? Is it because the classes are too hard? Because your home life has you distracted? Because you really don’t want to be there?

      You must pinpoint what makes you happy while you are seeking counseling. I hear you calling yourself “lazy” and “a liar.” If you can identify these things in yourself, then you can take the steps to change them… but it won’t be easy. 😦 You’ll have to commit to taking the steps to make the changes that you need to see, but you’ll need some help, and somehow, you’ll have to get away from the arguing. It’s only wearing you down.

      Ending your life is worse possible option. It’s only going to serve to hurt all the people you leave behind, and it’s going to take away all of your chances to be everything that you can be. The very best advice I can give you (besides please please please look into counseling–even free counseling or support groups) is to start by setting some goals. I know it sounds corny, but trust me, it’ll give you something to strive for. Set the BIG goals, and then break the big goals down into smaller, more attainable goals. Keep breaking them down into smaller steps until you get to a level of something that you can do, and then do it! Each time you check one of those smaller steps off your list, you’ll find yourself closer to your ultimate goal and the feeling of accomplishment will be more fulfilling than you can possibly imagine!

      It won’t be easy, Rosemarie. I speak from experience. But I’m proof that it’s not impossible. I had the same thoughts for many years, but I realized when someone close to me tried to kill themselves for some of the most selfish reasons that if I did that, it would be the single most selfish thing that I could have ever done, and I just decided that I had to find a way to make things better. So, I went to a therapist–and I leaned on my faith in God–and I just started working on “me.”

      Baby steps, my friend. It may be a long journey, but trust me, you’ll be very proud of yourself when you come out victorious.

      • I was sure this tag said “Rosemarie” when I first saw it. I’m not crazy, am I? Maybe I am, oh well…

      • Rosemarie says:

        You’re not crazy, wanted to remain anonymous, but changed my username after I posted.

      • sheila says:

        THIS! YES THIS RESPONSE IS SOOOO IMPORTANT!!!!! All of it is! But the thing that REALLY hit me was one BIG goal, then break it down into smaller goals! That, to me MAKES SO much sense!!! I have read SO many times… start with a small goal, yada, yada… BUT Yeah that can be easy, but when it comes to THE BIG THINGS!!! OMG! Now, it seems like it should be common sense! Now, how to break those down… lol! Thanks again BG! Sorry if I’ve blowing you up… I just decided tonight to read through the “Do you need to talk? and apparently have diarrhea of the brain…

      • Talk away, my friend. Don’t sweat it. 😉

    • falalalynx says:

      Hey now Marbella

      Hi there! It’s Falala. Your missive is making my heart hurt. I’m starting from the bottom and working my way up.

      Perhaps you can’t physically escape but here’s a trick I do all the time. My mind is my own and I can decorate it however I choose. I escape while reading sitting in my beautifully decorated mental mansion. I leave all the yuck outside the door. And then off I go getting lost in what I’m reading. When I have to step back into the real world like when I’n standing at the sink cleaning the kitchen I can access my thoughts and I dance right through the doom and gloom. I do this a lot. The family often asks me what’s so funny when they see me smiling in the middle of the oddest thing. grin I just smile. It’s my secret and they can’t have it or get to it.

      You say you are just twenty, oh boy yeah that’s a tuff age. You think you know it all and then you discover you don’t know squat. Hey I’m a grandmother and I still don’t know squat. grin

      You can survive this period. I know you can. I think the fact they you are here and you told us is huge and very brave of you. You want things to be better. You just need some help getting started.

      Start with school. Do you have access to counseling? Perhaps you need to drop one class so you wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. I thought that is what the counselors were for. Ask them for help. What are you studying?

      You want to change you said it yourself. So start small. The house is a mess? Make your bed. Clean your room. Straighten you shoes. Small bites so you don’t choke on the entire idea. And don’t try and do it all at once. Complete one thing and then appreciate yourself for completing the task. Then another and then another. You will be amazed when you mentally turn around and see all you’ve accomplished. And part of the chaos that your life seems to be will be gone.

      Now I am going to be blunt here. You don’t want to die. You want that job some day. You want that family. That’s on the horizon. Work on the immediate. You said you have no friends. sigh yeah this hurts. Could you join a study group? This could help with the school stuff maybe. I do know there is no one size fits all solution to this. You have to find the customized plan for you because there is no one quite like you.

      You said you are a liar. Who are you lying to, yourself or the rest of the world? You need to be honest with yourself. You said you want to change so show yourself you can. Small steps at first. Before you realize they will be strong strides towards your goals. I believe you can do it.

      I want you to know I heard you. And you are not alone. Goddess gave us this place to come to and I will check in everyday to see if you came by. I will listen with all my heart. {{{HUGS and HUGS and HUGS}}}

      Peace, Falala

      • falalalynx says:

        Uh wow Goddess are we sharing a brain now? I just read your reply. giggle Wow look at that I have Goddess brain. Woohoo go me! Same thoughts just different words. xoxoxoxo Peace, Falala

      • Great minds think alike, my friend. We have to take care of our own, right? Pull a sister up when she’s down.

    • People think I’m crazy but I get so lost in my fantasy world and it brings me peace–not to the degree that I don’t handle my responsibilities, but to the degree that I can deal with these assholes in the real world and not totally lose my damn mind!

      • falalalynx says:

        Hey now! Who thinks you’re crazy? You’re not crazy. I’M crazy. You are brilliant. I can’t count the number of times throughout my life that I’ve been called crazy. So one day I decided okay make some lemonade with this. grin So I LIKE being crazy. I sure as hell have more giggles in my life. I look for the funny. I strive to make people smile or giggle. A laugh can brighten someones day. So please my Goddess you keep being brilliant and drag me along to your fantasy world. I’ll see your fantasy and raise you a grin a giggle and a lol or even a lmao. Bonus points for a rotflmao.

        Peace, Falala

  23. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  24. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  25. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  26. Ina says:

    I wanted to write here ever since they his thread was started but putting it all in words is difficult. Before anything else keep in mind that English is not my first language.
    The second half of 2015, I started to change without me knowing or wanting to, nothing excited me anymore and was was never happy or proud of myself. I knew that something was wrong when I once talked to my teacher and her telling me that I was going to get an A in a subject and I was not proud because I felt like I had failed or not done enough. Needless to say every thing went down hill from that moment. I was in sick leave for 6 month. And when school started in August was going back for my fourth year in high school (high school here is 3 years) while my friends went to either work or to university. Despite therapy and me saying that I’m ok now and I’m over depression and anxiety I still have really bad days. It didnt make things better that I have not been accepted into university yet nor I’m I able to find a job. I’m afraid that I have fallen again. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’m tired feeling like a failure.
    I don’t know anyone will understand what I wrote but it feels a little better, maybe putting it out will somehow make things better. I’m desparate for a change but terrified to move…

    • (Okay, Warriors. I need you all–come on, let’s lift our sister up!)

      You did very well for English not to be your first language, Ina. Trust me, there are MANY people here who understand EXACTLY what you are feeling. Many of us have had some very tragic things happen in our lives that brought on depression and anxiety, and I’m certain that one or more of us just woke up one day and those feelings of helplessness were just THERE… and they can be SO POWERFUL.

      Please understand that depression and anxiety DO NOT GO AWAY, but you can manage those feelings and still have a very full and happy life. I need you to understand that, because when you have feelings of depression, I don’t want you to think it’s because you should have been “cured.” The healthiest part of this illness is to understand that these feelings may be and often are reoccurring and to be able to know what might trigger them or to recognize them when they show up so that you and combat them.

      Therapy is definitely a good thing. If you decide to talk to someone when you’re down and then give it a rest when you feel better, that’s fine. Do what works best for you, but don’t feel bad about or avoid going back to therapy whenever you feel the need to do so. It’s very important to talk these feelings out when they occur.

      I also suggest thinking about things that make you happy and being able to focus on those things when you find yourself at your lowest point–whether it’s reading, taking a walk, spending time with your family, gaming, drawing, whatever it may be. You will want to have a “happy place” that you can go to that will help keep you from spiraling out of control. This is SO important. Don’t skip this step.

      Most importantly, talk to your doctor or therapist to come up with a plan of treatment. This is a real and true ILLNESS (I have it, too) and it should be treated as such. There’s absolutely no reason whatsoever why you can’t conquer this and achieve everything that you would like to achieve as long as you realize that this is a JOURNEY and you’re going to be traveling it for a while. There are medications that can help if you feel that need as well as support groups (you always have us!) and many other resources that can assist with helping you through this, but please, PLEASE talk to your doctor AND your therapist. BE TOTALLY HONEST about how you’re feeling so that they and you can come up with the best plan of action.

      PLEASE keep us posted. We are here for you!!! ❤

      • Ina says:

        Thank you for your kind and helpful words!! It feels better now. It’s really a journey like you mentioned. I feel better and stronger today, I really appreciate the small things that make me happy on my good days because when I’m down I know that I will be happy again!! Thank you again!!❤️❤️❤️

      • You are so welcome, my friend {{{good vibes}}} {{{good vibes}}}{{{good vibes}}}{{{good vibes}}}

    • sheila says:

      I was so happy to hear that you are feeling better! Please DO NOT hesitate to reach out more if you feel down. MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!

  27. Stuart says:

    I got married right after getting a professional degree. I had never been in a relationship up until I met my current husband and had absolutely no idea what to look for in a relationship. My dreams were made up of late night ice-cream drives, road-trips, family-times, etc.

    I fell head-over-heels for him and despite my family asking me to wait it out, give it sometime, get to know him and his family better, etc., I went ahead with his proposal 3 months into our relationship and got married to him. We live with his parents because that’s the norm where I come from.

    I started getting a confusing vibe right after marriage. I came upon an (ex) girl-friend of his, with whom he used to chat even after our wedding with things like “I know you miss me but don’t write anything on my fb wall, its enough that you think of me” “are you getting your periods regularly and how’s your thyroid?” “is your husband treating you ok” etc. etc. After I confronted him, he told it was just “acting” because he wanted to get back to her for how she dumped him. After a big hullabaloo about it, he stopped talking to her.

    But I’ve found that he’s a compulsive flirt and he gets attracted to opposite gender quite easily, without remembering there’s someone he’s married too. He tried to get into a relationship with his colleague (who he had earlier told me was like his little sister) and she denied. But till the day she left his workplace (until a year back), he talked to her regularly and then deleted chats saying “I can’t stop talking to everyone at your behest, she’s one of my best friends and it won’t change”. He eventually stopped talking to her because she got married and he didn’t want to “create troubles for her married life”. I can’t bring myself to trust him again after these things. I know he’s trying to change and I can see his efforts towards trying to make me trust him and its not like he strayed. But the thought that emotionally, he deserted me and that he found it important to delete chats, I can’t get over it.

    Also, he has an extremely patriarchal mindset who likes to show that he’s quite liberal. Like he expects me to take care of the household things (because his mother won’t like if her darling son has to lift a finger to work for his own self, including getting himself a glass of water) but he also wants me to have a career because that’s the right thing to do. I should also tell that his mother takes care of a lot of things at home but according to him, his mother has to slog because “his wife isn’t capable to take care of everything”. My day comprises of waking up at 5.30, household tasks, office, spending time with son, some TV series and then, sleep. My weekends comprise of housework and son. I don’t have a life apart from this. No friends, no social life where I meet people my age to just hang-out.

    My salary is being managed by him / his dad and I get a pocket-money out of my own salary for my expenses, which is about 0.5% of my entire salary (works out to about 85 USD a month) for my sanitary and cosmetic necessities and petrol, etc. After that, he expects me to plan my expenses and “save” from my pocket money because apparently, I have not inculcated proper “saving habits”. They are very frugal people and believe in minimalism. I am nowhere close to being a lavish person, but I like spending for myself and at any rate, I don’t like that I don’t have control over my own money!

    His family is extremely conservative: I can’t have friends, I can’t talk very regularly to my parents, they are always unhappy that my parents are wasting my inheritance by going on trips, shopping for each other and generally having what is called a life (this is really sick because its my parents money and not my inheritance!), I am always under the f*cking scanner and his dad is one of the most judgmental, misogynistic and toxic people I have had the misfortune or knowing. I have to share the space I call home with people like these who don’t know how to internalise their thoughts. I would infact be thankful if they thought and bitched about me behind my back instead of telling me very casually what is wrong with me and my family.

    I have severe anxiety issues and my doctor tells me that this is because I am an extremely non-confrontational and sensitive person stuck in a situation where my mind is always in anguish or fear, whether real or anticipated. I have had severe skin troubles because I could not manage my stress properly and have grown 1.5 times my size (doesn’t help that I was always “chubby” with negative body image) because I had to take high dosage of steroids to control the breakout on my body. I completely lost my sex-drive and am not aroused by anyone or anything (I always skip the erotic parts of all books, sadly including yours, because it only makes me feel incomplete and like a freak).

    Not everything is bad. He generally does take good care of me, tries to understand me and my perspective but it doesn’t help our case that we both have a very vastly different set of ideals. He is a great father to our 5 year old, spends time with him, teaches his all the good things. But that doesn’t mean our “marriage is good”.

    I don’t have an out from this marriage because that is how our society works, because my son loves him and it would break my heart to break his family, which comprises of mum-dad and grandparents. Also because, I do love him, I don’t know how but I do. He’s the one person I want to grow old with but he’s very difficult to live with. He tries to rein in his mindset and I know he does. But we are so different that even though both of us work towards each other, there’s no way in hell we can reach the middle ground. I am constantly going up and down on the mood swing, making it really tiring. I am tired all the time and if there were a hibernate option, I’d have gladly taken it by now.

    I don’t know why I wrote the story of my life here but I just wanted it all out and now that it is, I feel a little better. BG, you are truly a god-send. I look forward to Ana’s story and I’m looking to grow with her. Thanks for the escape you provide to me out of my life.

    • I’m glad that you are able to share with us, my friend. At first when I was reading your story, I was like, “Oh my God! How can she live like this?” The more I read, I realize the kind of society you’re living in. I’m very familiar with it, in fact. You mentioned that there is no “out from this marriage” for you—nor would I suggest that you or ANYONE leave their marriage—but the fact that you mentioned that indicates that you’ve thought about it.

      I won’t begin to assume that I have the answer for your circumstances, but I will tell you that you are in an unhealthy situation all the way around. I don’t know what to tell you to do within the realm of your current options, but these things are definitely shortening your life. Take it from a woman who had to have THREE STROKES to realize that.

      You have severe anxiety issues—that’s bad on your heart.
      You have a negative body image and an overall negative image of yourself—that causes more stress.
      Your husband is a compulsive flirt, easily forgetting his vows to his wife—please don’t get me started on the emotional warfare THAT is!
      He expects you to work AND be a housewife, but not keep any of your own money or have your own life—I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to respond to that.
      You’re supposed to get gas and all of your sanitary needs from $85 a month? Seriously?
      But then, it’s your fault that you can’t save… save what? Five dollars a month if you don’t buy toothpaste??
      You live in a toxic environment constantly under scrutiny—BAD scrutiny—and you can’t even talk to your parents who are spending THEIR money on THEIR lives, and that’s your fault. Huh?
      Your only possible champion—your husband—is siding against you with his parents in your oppression.
      And you’re gaining weight—also very bad for your heart.
      And you’re breaking out all the time because of your nerves (that’s a form of “shingles,” by the way), taking steroids and always tired.

      I’m not even addressing the emotional HELL that you’re going through. Right now, I’m talking about your health. Can you see how everything that you have listed that you’re going through is slowly chipping away at your life and your health? You can GOOGLE any ONE of those things that you’ve written about and see what the end result is, and you’re dealing with several. My strokes came from stress, emotional distress, and weight. It’s a miracle from GOD that I lived, and you’ve got all three of those and the levels that you’re dealing with are exponentially worse than what I had.

      Your health is deteriorating before your very eyes, and when and if you end up hospitalized, the accusation will be, “Why didn’t you take better care of yourself?” When and if this thing does eat away at you and take your life, once you’re gone, nobody’s going to take responsibility for that. That’s going to be your fault, too. Please ponder the implications of that for a moment…

      There may be something or some factors that I’m not aware of here and I don’t want to put anybody in judgment. All I can say is that I’m sending you love and good vibes because I simply could not live this way. It could be because my culture is different, or I was just raised differently, but I’m not really certain what to say without making a bad matter worse. Just know that you always have someone to listen to you here, and I’m praying for your strength.

      I really hope that I’m not overstepping my boundaries. I really just can’t see something and not say something, and I hope you don’t hate me after this. Even if you do, I’m going to keep you in my prayers and still send you positive energy.

    • sheila says:

      Dearest, for the love of Allah, God, Zeus… Jesus!!! I don’t what the FUCK TO SAY!!!! Sorry, I often lean on “bad” words…. Sometimes because they can have a BIG impact! AND I THINK YOU NEED IT!!!
      So, while I gather my thoughts, here is something to read:
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/goddesses-from-around-the-world_n_56b8f607e4b08069c7a852d1.

      and here’s a site for women that did awesome things, even though some in their time or place didn’t like it… https://www.historyextra.com/100-women/100-women-results/

      • sheila says:

        Anyway, reach out to anyone you think can help… BUT ONLY IF YOU TRUST THEM!!! It sounds as though you live in an unfriendly place as far as women’s rights…. I KNOW there may be some sympathic, I hope you can find them!!!! WE, WOMEN!!! Have done MANY great things, and will will continue to do more!!! Please let us know how you are!!!

  28. Stuart says:

    Oh BG, I would never hate anyone for pointing out the obvious. I’ve been doing my therapy on free online sites because well, my pocket money can’t cover therapy expenses and I wouldn’t want anyone to point out that I’m “acting being sick” to get his sympathy.

    Out of the marriage – Yes, I’ve thought about it, several times in fact. Its a tough decision to get out of a toxic relationship along with a kid. Especially in society like ours, its a difficult thing. Plus, we’re same profession, and since the past 6 months, we work at the same place. We know the same people, we work on same clients and are part of the same fraternity. The fallout would also impact my professional life as much as my and my kid’s personal life. I’d have to be a heartless person to break the family of my 5 year old. He adores us and he is an angel. He’s given me a purpose and he’s one person who makes me feel special and loved without judgments :* I’ve thought this through and made an informed decision to stay. I do love him but I know love is not enough, like in our case, its not.

    I was so sad reading that we have similar health issues BG. I am aware of how all of this is taking a toll on my health. But I believe I’m taking baby steps out of it. I’m trying to be more aware of the triggers and how should I let it affect me, if at all. I give myself a pep talk at the end of every day and I try and go to sleep knowing that I’m not the one who’s wrong here. I’m sure he and his family are coming from their perspective, they are the way they are because of how our society usually is and this is how their situations have made them to be. Its always difficult to break out of a set of ideals which have gone on forever. Hopefully, the next gen does better because there’s me and people like me who know and who are aware of how the world is changing in the right direction.

    It hurts me most that he’s not aware how this patriarchal mindset is also affecting him and his health because of the pressure “to earn more than the wife”, “to be a manly man” etc.. It would have been so much easier for me if he could see that too! And I hope someday, he’ll come around and open his eyes.

    Its just that its tough to remember all of this every.single.day. There are days when I’m out for some assignment and I go back to my hotel room and all I do is shut myself in the bathroom with the bathtub full of bubbles and howl. I cry for everything I have to go through. I cry for the pent up feeling asking me everyday “what have I done to deserve this”. I go to sleep a little lighter those days.

    So to everyone going through a tough time, I only want to tell that we are not taught enough of this in our growing up years – Our happiness is our responsibility and ours alone. The moment we make another person responsible for our happiness, we are on perilous path. We can be what we aspire to be. We just need to keep reminding ourselves. And hey, no one knows your life better than you do, so rely on your gut.

    Love,
    Stuart

    • Very well said, my friend. I’m still sending you positive thoughts and I truly hope things come around the way that you hope for. Talk to us anytime!! ❤

    • sheila says:

      I admire your strength and perseverance!!! Please know that there are many of us out here that LOVE YOU!!! AND PRAY for you each day, to have a better day, each day 🙂 xoxo

  29. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  30. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  31. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  32. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  33. […] There has been yet another development where if you feel the need to talk to fellow readers about personal issues, you need a sounding board, you want to vent about something in your life, please feel free to visit the link on the left in the menu entitled “Do You Need To Talk.” No subject is taboo. I just ask that you approach the link with respect for those who have concerns as well as those who respond. You can also get to the link by clicking HERE.  […]

  34. MichelleCheri’ says:

    Just been recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had my Lumpectomy surgery this past week. Next up is radiation treatment. Now that is a bit scary …

    • Jesus! I’m so sorry to hear that, Michelle! I hope everything goes well. Sending you love and healing thoughts, my friend.

    • sheila says:

      Nearly a year ago my boss at work had the same thing happen, and they told her it was a VERY aggressive type of cancer… long story short, she took the hard road and went through all the “nasty/aggressive shit” and at this point she’s all clear! 🙂 I am hoping/wishing/praying you get that as well 🙂 There is hope!!! Never forget!!!

  35. Carolyn says:

    I have a brother with Aspergers and severe depression. He has talkes about commiting suicide many times, and just last week he tried to actually go through with it. Feeling very stressed as my grandma has severe heart problems and finding out about my brother’s suicide attempt causes her to have a major heary attack & while getting treated for that she had a stroke and now is not expected to live past the end of this month. I dont know what to do as my grandma and brother are very close so when she does pass, i fear that my brother will commit suicide while im at work and there is no on I really trust to keep an eye on him or have his best interests in mind. What should i do? I can’t take a leave of abscence from work as I work as a sub at a child development center and the only sub available for the other teachers as the only other sub is on maternity leave.

    • This is such a severe situation. They are mutually codependent and one appears not to be able to survive without the other. Although your grandmother’s current condition may have been caused by your brother’s fall off the “cliff,” she couldn’t be expected to be around indefinitely and now, he’s going to be in a critical condition when “that time” comes.

      I hope I don’t sound insensitive because that is truly not what I’m trying to do, but you’re got between a rock and a hard place and you’re going to have to make some tough decisions. You can’t be there 24/7 to watch over him or else you’re going to fall. You’re going to lose your job and your health may even suffer. As such, in the end, you’ll be left with nothing.

      How old is your brother? Is he cognizant and depressed or is he mentally challenged and depressed (please forgive me — I’m not familiar with all the nuances and severity associated with Aspergers )? You have no other choice but to trust someone to keep an eye on him unless you plan on quitting your job to do it yourself. Is there some kind of day care that you can put him in — some kind of program or adult day care (I don’t know how old he is)? Are there any programs in your area or through local or national community or social services that might be able to assist or give suggestions?

      I wish I was better equipped to answer your question, but I’m totally out of my element here. I sincerely hope something I said here helps. Also, see if there are any support groups for caregivers or family members of those with Aspergers that might be able to give you some advice.

      I’m keeping you in my thoughts. 😥

      • Sheila Tems says:

        Is he being treated by a professional? Is he on medication(s) to deal with his mood/anxiety? Does he have a counselor/social worker?
        I am SO sorry to say I can’t add much more than prayers and good thoughts… I truly hope that you, Carolyn, have found some help, respite in your community. XOXO

      • Carolyn says:

        I’m sad to say that both my grandmother and brother lost their lives in a car accident when a drunk driver t-boned the van my brother & grandma were in on the passenger side pushing it right into a semi truck. They both died on impact.

      • Wait a minute… What???? This just happened???

      • Carolyn says:

        Yes it happened March 29th as they were on their way to meet with my brother’s case worker and psychatrist to figure out coping techniques and possibly changing his medicine.

      • Jesus! Weren’t we just talking about this? Both of them??? Jesus, I’m so, so sorry!!! 😥

      • Sheila Tems says:

        My condolences… I hope you find some light between the dark that has fallen upon you. XOXO many prayers, love and light to you.

  36. Isabel says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months, and about 5 months ago I caught him being unfaithful. He hadn’t don’t anything physical but he’d been having an emotional affair, if you will, with an old flame from work for about 3 months. I caught him and saw that she’d sent very sexual messages— to which he claims that he never engaged at that aspect and would ignore her sexual messages, but still continue to communicate with her. I’m not entirely sure I believe that but oh well.
    At the time of the affair he was deeply depressed and drinking heavily due to being out of work. So I excused a lot of the behavior. I put it down to depression and scolded myself for having enabled him. After I caught him he really turned things around and we’ve been doing pretty great. Except that I’m really struggling to fully trust him. He seems like he’s been really open and has been incredibly understanding (he’s caught me going through his phone since the incident). I hate that I’m going through his phone. I’ve never been that person and I don’t like it. And yet I keep doing it. I think it’s partly because before I caught him taking to that girl I had NOOOO idea. I trusted him so absolutely. Now I don’t trust myself. Or him.
    This morning I found an escort service open on his phone, and accounts to multiple cam porn websites. I am very sex positive and I have no problem with him watching porn. But it does make me very uncomfortable that he’s subscribing to cam sites. In my mind that’s next level, that’s engagement with another person…but is it? I’m not sure. I’d like to understand it. Just because it makes me feel this way doesn’t mean I think it’s wrong. But can I be okay with him doing that? I don’t know. I feel as though I don’t have an option. He has a right to have sexual feelings and they can’t all be directed at me. But where’s the line? I suppose that’s up to him and me to define. That’s a terrifying thought. If I define a line, then he can cross it. And is the escort site just a way to look at porn? Or more than that? Since clearly he’s into a live show….I don’t know. I just don’t know.
    In his history there were many pages titled “text” or “email” whatever random camgiirl’s username. Is that just the name of the page when you look at an account? Is he actually talking to these people including to watching them? I’ll only know by asking him. Im afraid to find out.
    I also find emails to a site for dating older women(I’m younger.) The emails were unopened, and maybe they’re like the old Facebook emails that I get. There was so much porn. Which I don’t judge, honestly I don’t, but he has a very addictive personality.
    I guess my questions are— am I being too sensitive? How concerned do I need to be? Do I need to work on being more accepting of the way he chooses to satisfy himself? Do these thoughts purely stem from my insecurity and trust issues from previous transgressions; or am I being totally naive and lying to myself?
    Anyway, sorry for the essay…I can’t afford therapy, and I don’t want to talk to anyone in our lives who may judge him. Thank you bronze goddess for putting up this thread ♥️

    • Isabel says:

      I also wanted to say that I’d really really appreciate feedback and advice ♥️

      • Liz says:

        This is obviously distressing you majorly. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him everything; that I’ve seen the websites and camgirls and emails and texts and that I want answers. Relationships cannot thrive when there are dangerous secrets lurking behind the scenes. You have every right to be worried and concerned, and you are not naive. If he was just watching taped porn, I wouldn’t be as worried, but he’s clearly communicating with 1) camgirls and 2) escort services. Those are real, in the moment people, not a tape from a year ago. He needs to realize and understand how you feel about the situation, and that you feel uncomfortable with his behavior. Keep your chin up. If he doesn’t realize your worth, then he isn’t a good man. Sending love.

    • How did I miss this???

      Whether you’re being too sensitive or not, you need to talk to him. Your uncertainty is just going to eat at you until you discuss your concerns with him. If you don’t get answers to your questions, all of your feelings are going to fester until they turn into resentment and trust me, that’s the beginning of the end (if you’re not already there). Get to the bottom of this if for no other reason than that you need to have peace of mind and to decide what your next move is going to be. Your other option is to remain silent and stay in the same situation you’re in right now.

  37. Liz says:

    Young reader alert. Don’t be alarmed. More of a vent than anything else, I guess.
    So, I’m 17. Fresh out of high school, and I’ll be off to college in the winter (cue unenthusiastic celebration noises). I’m far behind other kids my age when it comes to “teenage stuff (?)” like driving and dating and sex and the whole shabang. I don’t drive. I haven’t dated. I haven’t had sex, hell, I haven’t even had my first damn kiss. I’m frustrated because I feel left behind, you know? I spend so much of my time cooped up in my room because the only person who really wants to hang out with me is my mom (Love ya, mama). “Well, why don’t you ask some of your friends out?” Yeah, see, that’s the problem. I’m terrified of getting a hold of people, aaaand I don’t have many friends, unless you can count my multitude of books as living things.
    The thing is, I think I’m just too mature for some of these kids. No, I’m not boasting. I love having debates and educated conversations about politics and medicine and current events. I guess that’s a big turn off for people. Even my college interests don’t interest them. Medicine (psychology or pediatric nursing) or law for my major, and most likely Human Sexuality for my minor. There’s the part that makes people uncomfortable.
    Yeah, I’m interested in sex. I love learning about it. Kinks, the entire psychology behind them and sex itself, how it works…it’s all so fascinating. I’ll get books upon books about sex and kinks and you wouldn’t believe the looks I get. It’s so embarrassing. I mean, I’m a slightly chubby, redheaded, freckle-covered, blue-eyed, innocent looking white girl who is probably wearing a Marvel t-shirt and blue jeans. Is that weird to people? Is a young female exploring her interests weird?
    BDSM is my greatest interest, and although I haven’t practiced it, I find it erotic as fuck. The idea of just submitting and letting it all go to please someone appeals to me. I’m not gonna lie and say that I haven’t gotten off to the idea of it. But…
    I’m a feminist. A big feminist.
    I think you see the problem now.

    Overall, I guess I just feel hopeless. I don’t know how to jumpstart my life, and I’m too shy to talk to people face to face about what I really feel as a woman and as a sexual creature.
    I’ve been sexually assaulted and groomed. I followed a self damaging path for nearly three years and I’ve just recently broken it. I used to send nude pictures and videos to disgusting old men just to feel accepted and loved. I was 13 when my mental innocence was ripped away from me. I was never touched nor raped. I’m still a virgin in body. But in mind? Nope.
    I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m just ranting at this point. I guess I needed a place with people who I felt would accept my interests. I know I’m a kid, and I’m sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable, but I need some guidance, a helping hand, a kind word, something.
    Love to all.

    • I really would like to respond to you, Liz, but I do have a couple of questions for you:

      1) When will you be 18 and

      2) What state do you live in?

      Humor me… 😉

      • Liz says:

        Ask whatever you need, by all means! I know it’s probably hella uncomfortable for adults to talk to a teenager about tough situations like this.
        1.) Less than two months from now, in early August.
        2.) A curious question. I live in Indiana, land of corn, soybeans, IndyCar, and legit nothing else.

      • I know it may seem strange, but there are some really weird people in the world right now and to be honest, I have to cover my butt — not from you, but to anyone who might see the post… for two reasons.

        1) On the front page of the site, I have a disclaimer that says “I am not the internet police. However, I recommend that you are 18 years or older before you browse my content.” Having said that, fret not — you’re not the first 17-year-old that has wandered into these murky waters. 😉 The first was actually on Fanfiction.

        2) Also, most of the premise of my story is based on a pedophile that victimizes young boys. That being the case, with the nature of the content of this conversation, I would be remiss not to double-check what the age of consent was in your state (and mine) to avoid anyone indicating that I was acting inappropriately with someone not of consenting age (forgive me–I quite old and can’t take any chances). Luckily, the age of consent in both our locales is 16.

        In light of that, I will try to provide appropriate answers without watering them down too much.

        You seem SO very mature and wise for your age and unfortunately, it appears that wisdom didn’t come easily. I’m certain your aren’t alone, but the past should remain in the past (as much as you can — I know that’s easier said than done) and it’s time to look forward to the future. About you being so far behind other teenagers, I would say don’t rush it. You’re so young and there’s so much to look forward to. Some flowers bloom a little later than others and your time will come.

        Are you going away to college? I would recommend getting involved in some groups that share your interests. In college, there simply has to be like-minded individuals that also love having debates and educated conversations about meaningful topics. You just have to put yourself out there and look for them — online, through a campus publication or bulletin board. And if you’re going to school locally, that’s even better, because you can go peruse the school now and see what groups and clubs they have to offer. Yes, you’re going to run into the party-ers who just want to have fun and drink and what have you. I would say have some fun, too, but do so responsibly and try to keep that to a minimum. Too much studying to do for medicine and law to be stoned and drunk all the time.

        “I’m a slightly chubby, redheaded, freckle-covered, blue-eyed, innocent looking white girl…” Yeah, so? I’m a fluffy black woman with gray hairs and grandchildren. Bet you wouldn’t expect to see ME perusing PornHub, FetLife, or Sharesome either, would you? But I do… and shamelessly! Who the hell cares what people think??? Explore away! How else are you going to know what you like and don’t like?

        I can’t really give you any advice on BDSM just because you are still very young and I think you should explore that avenue on your own.

        My biggest problem is you sending pictures and videos to pervs. That’s self-destructive behavior. Don’t do it. You may want to seek therapy for how you are feeling. If you don’t want to talk to the “Anastasia Grey Shrink” kind of therapist, then you may want to seek out group therapy with people who have been through what you’ve been through and are having the same kind of social difficulties that you’re facing right now. You can Google to find something or even make an anonymous Facebook page and browse the Facebook groups. You have to start somewhere. If you don’t, you’re going to be stuck here and that’s not good, right?

        I hope this helps some. ❤

      • Liz says:

        1 and 2) That makes perfect sense. I am so incredibly sorry for not thinking about any possible repercussions on your end! It is not my intention, at all, to put anyone in trouble or cause a ruckus. Please accept my apologies; sometimes my hands move a bit faster than my brain does.

        What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, I suppose. I’m blessed to have an amazing family (all of them are strong, beautiful women that are legit angels) to support me. My older sister was mentally and physically disabled at the age of two by a woman with too much anger in her heart, and I automatically kind of took on the role of “big little sister mom” once I was old enough to walk and talk. My maturity has gotten me to some pretty cool places though; I mean, not many people can say that President Obama replied to an email they sent him. It’s definitely my biggest treasure. But, you’re right, I need to stop worrying about being a bit of a late bloomer.

        I’m getting my GED out of the way starting in the winter, so that I have time to really decide what I want to do in life. Thank the stars for community college! But after I finish my GED classes, I’m definitely going to a university. Partying isn’t really my thing unless it involves a room full of cats, but I’ll find my little nerdy clique and try to branch out from there. I have some confidence that I’ll kick some booty once I really spread my wings.

        You remind me so much of my mom, and that’s a huge compliment. She tells me to just do my thing all the time, but it feels nice hearing it from a stranger and author that I personally look up to. Reading your authors notes at the start and end of each chapter really shows me how much of a strong woman you are, not to mention the fact that you’re taking time to reply to me really shows your compassion. The people in your life are really lucky to have you. I hope they notice that.

        I don’t blame you about the BDSM topic. I hope you didn’t feel obligated to help me and I apologize!

        Luckily, common sense came down from the Heavens, bestowed a rock hard upon my head, and screamed in my ear to wake the fuck up before I got in too deep and couldn’t crawl out. I spent some time in the psych ward after one situation got too dangerous, and I was put in tons of therapy after that. It’s been about two years or so since I last degraded myself. The odd thing is, I haven’t spoken about any of this with my therapist, but I’m open about it online. Ah well. I’ll get around to it if I really feel the need to tell her the harrowing tale.

        You’ve helped a lot, and I am so incredibly grateful. I honestly wish there were more people like you on Earth!

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