Weary Muse

That picture describes the situation perfectly…

You know how as a kid, if you thought about doing something wrong, you knew that if you did it, you would get a spanking? But then you do it anyway—and when you get the spanking, you get mad.

You knew you were going to be punished, so why are you mad?

So, you go to your room, and you pout, and you grumble, and you cry yourself to sleep because Mama gave you a spanking that you knew you were going to get.

That’s my Muse.

This “Madrid” storyline was written months ago—thousands of words over several chapters that was just waiting to be inserted into the story, and they are still a few prewritten chapters left. I knew when I wrote it that reactions would be volatile. Yet, when the different reactions started flowing in, my Muse saw it and closed up shop, and nothing that I said or did made her want to come out and play anymore. In addition to that, I just got tired. I got physically tired, so I just shut it down for a minute.

As a result, when I was ready to approach “the story” again, I had to resort to the mechanical route—writing outlines and doing voice recordings of bits and pieces of storyline, when normally, I always went the creative route—sit down at the computer and let my fingers and my mind go wherever they want to go… and that’s how you guys got these stories. So right now, because she’s “gun shy,” there’s nothing after Madrid. There are bits and pieces of storylines and things that need to happen and even entire storylines with nowhere to go—but there’s no timeline after Madrid. It just falls off a cliff like Ana almost did.

Well, while my Muse is very sensitive about her work, she’s also very vain and doesn’t like to be left out. So, when I got up today and said, “I should probably post a chapter,” she sat in a corner with her arms folded like she wasn’t going to participate. I didn’t want to edit the chapter—I just wanted to post it with all its errors and no pictures. Well, of course when I went to do that, the chapter has not title. All of my chapters are in Word like this…

Chapter XX—AA

… where “XX” is a chapter number and “AA” is just “AA,” so I have to read the chapter to give it a title.

Well, shit. Fine.

So, as I’m editing and reading the chapter, I get a few chapters in and my Muse goes, “Wasn’t there a picture to go with that line?”

Oh, you’ve decided to speak!

So, now I go off into my bookmarks and my Pinterest to find this picture of this cute dress that Ana is wearing (which I still haven’t found yet), and I discover that there are pictures in my Pinterest “Holding Tank” from the last chapter that I never posted.

Well, shit. Okay.

So, I go to post the pictures to the correct pages and end up landing on my Pinterest home page—suggestions for Tupac, Barack and Michelle…

… and butterflies.

“Ooo, pretty butterflies! Your author’s page is a little old. Shouldn’t you update that?”

Shouldn’t you go back to shutting up if you’re not going to give me some content?

Turns out that she’s only sensitive to what other people say. She don’t give a fuck about my opinion… much like The Bitch.


I start playing with pictures of butterflies, many of them very pretty on Pinterest, but they suck on my Facebook author’s page. I find these really gorgeous blinged-out hands encompassing a blinged-out butterfly and oh yes! We’re in business! But something’s still not quite right…

“Those chained-up hands don’t really fit the theme.”

Well, shit. Okay.

So, now I’m looking for another profile picture. I changed it out three times and I finally find my heart’s content in a beautiful bronze butterfly with a sunset background, also with releasing hands.

“You’ve got that same dark picture on your website page.”

Well, shit.

I liked it better when you were in the corner quietly pondering life and trying to find an angle for the story. Can’t you go back and do that?


I used the same bronze butterfly from my author’s page profile and put it on the website. It turns out The Bitch—er, I mean, my Muse was right, and it really brightened up the page. I even found another butterfly for my website welcome page that doesn’t look as janky as the previous one did.

Also, I’m going to be moving my website to another location—a paid website—but that’s not going to be for quite a while yet.

Anywho, now she’s all in “coming out of cocoon” mode, but she still hasn’t given me any new content. She’s just looking over my shoulder right now and poking me in the brain at the most inopportune moments—like at the beginning of this post. I said that I would post the chapter and run away. She said, “No, tell them what’s going on.”

I don’t wanna tell them what’s going on! I want to drop the chapter and dash!

Well, shit. Fine.

So, three pages later, now you know what’s going on.

I’ve always try to have “real-life” stuff happen with Christian and Ana, even if this kind of “real-life” stuff may not have happened to everyone who reads the story. However, I think the drama and the realism may be a bit too real for the fantasy that we’ve developed for Christian and Ana over the years. As such, just like television series in real life have to take a break over the summer and come back in the fall with fresh ideas and good storylines, you will find that I will be taking a break every now and then to give my mind—and this temperamental fucking Muse—a rest.

I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t comment or can’t say how they feel. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but where I was once known as the “Zinger Queen,” I’ve retracted my claws just a bit when I don’t agree with what you’ve written, and most often, I just remain silent. But please know that I love and hate dramatic reactions. When you write a comment, I feel what you feel. I am often in tears when I’m writing some of these storylines, so I’m very invested. In the end, it’s emotionally and physically exhausting.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for pats on the back or rubs on the head. I’m not looking for anybody to blow rainbows up my ass. I’m certainly not asking anyone to shut up and withhold their opinions. I’m just saying all this to say that it takes time and energy to absorb this stuff; and if you see that the story is moving slowly and/or I’m slow to post from here on out, this is why.

I still love you all… really, and thank you for sticking it out with me.

~~love and handcuffs

17 thoughts on “Weary Muse

  1. jjgoldmann says:

    I hope you and your muse come back in sync and get your mojo back because I will miss your story but I will wait patiently for your return. Everyone needs a break now and then and you definitely deserve one. Although please tell your muse to get her shit together during the break. LOL

  2. Hunkeydorey says:

    I’ve been anxiously awaiting your update all week. Just really dying to find out how they recover from this. I hope your muse gets her groove back soon. But I understand needing a break. Just don’t let all the haters get to you. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. I like it and want to read it.

  3. falalalynx says:

    Oh Goddess, oh Goddess oh Goddess aww hell I might be having a breakdown. No no no no no!! Damn damn damn! argh!

    Your new choice of butterfly background is lovely. sniffle sniffle

    You do whats right for you. whimper sigh I I I am just going to miss you sooo much. You have no idea how much I look forward to you. I can’t decide if it’s your story I like the most or if it’s you when you comment. It’s running neck end neck at the moment but I’m leaning towards your comments. I don’t care if this makes me sound pathetic but; I live alone with just my cat and dog. I wait all week for your chapter. But more than that I can’t wait for the comments most especially yours. This is my big conversation of the week with a human or humans. I think about you. I worry about you and now well hell I’m going to miss you in a way that’s beyond words. I hope your muse snaps out of it. You take all the time you need for you. I love you no matter what. I’m just so sad about this. I’m going to go cry now. I need to vent somehow. This is a devastating blow to me. Goddess you are the BEST. And don’t you let anyone tell you different. Refresh renew return to me.

    Peace, Falala

  4. Sherree says:

    Creative people have issues, I and my daughter are perfect examples. You are very creative and talented and should not have to apologize to anyone. I will wait patiently for your updates. Love you and take care.

  5. Lori says:

    You have given us, your loyal readers, so much enjoyment over the years that I have to say a very sincere thank you and that I understand your need for a break. I feel so much emotion in reading your beautifully crafted chapters, I can only imagine how much more intense it must be for you to write them. Please take care of yourself and I will try to wait patiently for your return.

  6. lisakabb says:

    I understand the need for the break. My heart is a bit sad because you will be sorely missed. Take how long you need then come back and see us. We will all be waiting 😘

  7. Okay, so I may have been a bit unclear and made people think I was going MIA immediately. There are still two or three chapters that are prewritten, and I may post them every weekend, I may do it every other weekend. After that, I’m at the mercy of my Muse, because I don’t know where it’s going to go. But there are so many emotions attached to the story that sometimes, I just have to stop and recoil. Even Golden has all kinds of storylines and ideas that are all hanging out like a fifty-legged octopus that haven’t been put together yet. So even though I still have some chapters written, “MIA” may happen because the story fell off.

  8. Ann shearer says:

    I love your story sweetheart, always have and always will, i have been ingrossed in it since the beginning, but i understand that how you feel, you deserve to have a break and clear your mind, we all care and love you dearly, and when your ready to write more of this story we will be here waiting to recieve it, you take care honey and god bless you x

  9. lpev7 says:

    I was very fascinated about what is going on in your head for you to write such amazing stories. I have 1 work for it….complicated. i will wait for you and your muse to work things out

    Your stories are worth waitin for

  10. Valarie J Mathis says:

    I am still here BG! 😊 I hope that you get your muse back. Take care of yourself sweetie. 💜Ya

  11. Ann shearer says:

    Dearest friend we all love you, and have enjoyed your storys so so much, getting your chapters when you post them lights up my boring day, and always put a smile back on my face, you are incredable honey, and i hope this story goes on and on, every chapter is worth waiting for no matter how long you take to write it, because i know it will be fantastic when i get it..love you sweetheart.. Love ann xxx

  12. Sherry Brown says:

    I absolutely love your storyline and your train of thought. Take any and all breaks needed to refresh and rejuvenate your muse….but please do not abandon your story. So many of us jump for you when our inboxes show am email from you. You are loved by so many loyal fans. Love and respect .. Sherry xxx

  13. Debbie says:

    I’m sorry. You are burned out! As I recall, you have had a really trying year or so. I appreciate your frankness, letting your readers know how you are feeling. In your great storytelling, you draw us in. We get so invested. It’s so fucking good, makes us want more. But you are the one in control. So time away is what you need, so be it. I’ll check in occasionally to see if you are around. Gonna miss you.
    Hey, and BG….send my rainbow back. I don’t pat grown ladies on the head….but I have sent you pats on the back, applause, flowers & yup, even a damn rainbow. (Not meant for your ass, tho) And it wasn’t blowing smoke up it either.
    Take care. Give that Muse a vaycay.

    • ROTFL! Thank you for the encouragement. “Rainbows up my ass” was a term that someone used a looooooooooooooong time ago in a comment to me because I zinged them and they proceeded to say that I didn’t want to hear anything from anyone unless they were “blowing rainbows up my ass,” and I never forgot it. But just in case…

      Here’s a rainbow for you, my friend. ❤

      • Debbie says:

        LMAO right now. 😂 Oh yes, know the saying well. The rainbow is beautiful. Thank you my dear. I’ll save it for when you are in need. 😜
        We all have a story but won’t get into mine. Just hoped I could make you laugh. If I was there, I would invite you to lunch and give you a big hug. 🍲🍴🍹🙅🙆(meant to be hugs). I so appreciate your work.
        Laters, BG.
        P.S. Beautiful background.

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