Every so often, I will share a little bit of myself so that people will understand why I do the things that I do. Most of you already know that I do a lot of research for the stories that I write. Some of it comes from the internet, some from trial and error, some from actual interviews and other peoples’ experience, and some from my own experience. I have had quite a few people repeatedly ask one particular question about my story and the main female character…
Why won’t she just tell him that she’s ready to get married?
So I thought I would answer that with a personal experience, but first with a few facts from the story.
Our main male character (I am refraining from using names on purpose) is going through a lot of changes of his own. She wants him to be completely ready before he proposes to her. If she tells him that she is ready now, he will no doubt drop what he’s doing and propose to her. She is certain that when he feels like he is ready, he will do it. No matter how much she may want it in her heart, she will not allow her feelings to dictate when he will propose to her.
When I was a much younger and less wise woman, I was in love with a man who later became my first husband. We had been together for years and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t propose to me. It seemed the logical thing to do when he and I both claimed that we were in it for the long haul and neither of us were going anywhere. I told him that I wanted to get married and, to placate me, we set a date. The date came and went, resulting in the first time that I was jilted. I asked him what the problem was and why he had done that to me, and we set a second date… resulting in the second time that I was jilted.
This happened five more times — seven times in total. You would think that this was my cue that this was most likely not meant to be, but no, I couldn’t hear that or see what was right in front of my face. By the eighth time, he finally gave in and married me… because I was ready for it to happen.
This was the biggest mistake of my life. My daughter had already been born and was already carrying his name, so there was no need for me to marry this man. However, this is what I wanted and I made sure that he knew. By the time he did marry me, I think he did it just to placate me — again — and it turned out to be an utter disaster from beginning to end. We were married for five years. He was cheating on me before we were married, so I don’t know how many years he was actually cheating on me after we were married, but I definitely know about two years and we were separated for one year. So out of five years, we were unhappy and/or apart more time that we were happy.
My main female character has my bit of wisdom in this one particular decision — do not force a man’s hand and try to make him do something before he is ready. Even though I write both characters and know that he will marry her in a second because he wants to, I have to write her point of view like she doesn’t know that… because she doesn’t. So, it’s very simple to say “why won’t she tell him? Make them get married already,” when you can see both points of view, but she can’t. She only sees her point of view, not his. She will not tell him that she is ready to marry now because he (and now, she as well) has some issues to deal with and she does not want to rush him into making a decision to placate her. She will not repeat my big mistake.
Love and handcuffs,
BG Holmes aka Bronze Goddess aka Lynn x